Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

2011-02-02T07:33:00.002-05:00

The hardest question I keep asking myself is "What if he doesn't love me back?" Or even enough? Or the same way? What in the world am I gonna do if he actually says no?

I can't imagine life completely without him. I find my heart stopping at the suggestion that we would never speak again. It makes me sick to think that basically because of the love I feel for him, I'd never see him again.

I want, so desperately, to surround myself with him. I know where I want to be and where I want to go after I graduate... And it's with him.

I always knew I wouldn't leave Oswego for him, so I always knew we had time. We don't have much time left anymore and now I feel like I know where I need or want to be and who I need or want to surround myself with.

I know we have our issues. He frustrates me, makes me angry and doesn't do everything I ask him or don't ask him to do (as if I should expect him to do what I'm thinking in my head if I never tell him, right?). But he challenges me to stand up for myself and slowly but surely I'm gaining ground here.

I love him. A lot. He's my best friend and my confidant and my lover. He's not perfect, but neither am I. I know my love isn't enough to 'fix' this if it's 'broken'. But I'm hoping he's willing to meet me half way.

I just have to start the conversation, knowing there is the distinct possibility I could get an answer I don't want...

Another Rant...

2011-01-31T18:44:00.002-05:00

After a long talk with Tara, I have a slightly clearer view of what I want.

When I look into my future in four months, I see him. I see Tulsa. I see me getting into a car, packed full of my things, and taking a road trip to Tulsa... To my new home.

I have decided that the saddest part of our situation is that I love him so much and that every moment with him seems so right. I love being around him for the most part (like anyone, we have our fight), I love having him hold me and kiss me. I want to be his. But also knowing that it ends and that (maybe) nothing will come of it all.

But I have agreed to/endured/tolerated this best-friend-girlfriend situation because, as Tara said, I've had time to. Since we seriously started talking, I knew that where I belonged was in Oswego and that I wasn't going to leave there for him. So every talk of being together or whatever was years away. Now that future we talked about is mere months away and I don't have time to waste anymore. I don't have weeks to think about what I *think* he wants.

I need to grow a pair and just ask him straight out. "What do you want?" or "Is me moving to Tulsa what you want?" or "Would me moving to Tulsa be enough to get you to want to try us being together? Is that what it would take?"

I know what I want. I want to try being with him in a way we haven't had the opportunity to be yet. I want to try being his everyday, not just when it's convenient. And that opportunity is coming soon. However, I don't want to move down there under the idea of 'maybe' he'd try to see if we'd work out. I want to know that's what he wants. I want him to tell me that he would give it a try. But if that's not what he wants... I need to know that, too.

Essentially, the ball is in his court. "I don't know" won't cut it. He has to decide and tell me. He HAS to let me know. I need a game plan. I need a solid answer. I need help here. I've been as selfless as I can be for the last few years... And now that I know what I want and I'm not (less) afraid to say it, it's my turn to make the rules. I hate demanding things of people. It's going to be awkward. More than that, it is going to be beyond difficult to say "I don't know won't work any more. You need to decide what it is YOU want and what YOU need and if you would be willing to make this work. If not, I need to know that, too. So call me when you figure it out and let me know."

I'm afraid he won't chase after me. I'm afraid I'm not worth it to him. "If he doesn't, he's not worth it. He should know what he's losing and know better than to not."

Yeah, yeah. Easy to say, hard to believe. He's been in my life for seven years and I'm not sure I can imagine what it would be like without him.

This is me...

2010-09-26T02:31:00.004-04:00

...trying to get over you.
...telling myself it's the best way.
...telling myself that I deserve better... Even when all I want is you.
...trying, so hard, to make you see what you're on the verge of losing. So that maybe, just once, you'll try to save it.
...trying not to thinking about all the fun we had.
...trying not to ask you to come visit in October, or come meet my parents in November. You should say something first this time... I don't always want to be the only one.
...attempting to commit myself to a couple more months of relative solitude. Especially when I sleep or when I cry.
...trying to remember what it feels like to be loved for real. And remembering that that is what I deserve.
...trying to tell myself that it would be better for us if you were to end up with her. That somehow, despite how much it hurts to miss you now, in the end it would feel okay.
...missing you so much that it hurts... And wondering if you even so much as think about me during the day.
...trying to be your best friend. All while trying to hold out a glimmer of hope... Just in case you come around.
...trying to be mad at you... You were convinced that would make it easier on me.

Unfortunately... None of it's working too well. I don't know how to do this... I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly lost and hopeless.

confusionnnn

2010-04-26T16:00:00.001-04:00

I want to be loved for everything that I am. I want to be loved for every piece of me. I want him to recognize that I'm standing right in front of him.

He's always on my mind. Constantly in my heart. I wonder about him when I wake up, think about him when I go to sleep. I can't wait to sleep next to him. To have him hug me. To pretend, even for a month, that he loves me like I want him to.

There is nothing easy about this. I'm constantly missing him, wishing he was here. Constantly hoping he'll call, text, IM, something.

And yet I'm scared to death. I'm nervous about visiting him, especially for so long. What if something goes wrong? What if I get stuck? What if something happens before I even leave?

And in the mean time, what do I do? How do I act?

I want him to take more interest, to show he cares just a little more. I s'pose that if he doesn't, that's okay too... But I wish he'd otherwise stop pretending. His response to my sadness tends to be that I need to buck up, or he completely ignores it.

I'm tired of crying alone, of talking to myself. I wish he'd listen. I don't think I ask for all that much...

My heart hurts, even after that conversation. Because I know he's leaving his options open. He loves me, that much I believe... But it hurts to know it's still not enough. Because of the distance. Because we're so many thousands of miles apart. Because it costs $500 to see each other. Because we see each other once every six months, if we're lucky.

I'm terrified of going to see him. And yet, I'm unbelievably excited. I want that time with him. But do I want the emotional wreck I know I'm going to be when its over? What do we do after? The same thing we're doing now. We be best friends, good friends, friends with benefits... Whatever the hell that means. I'm not moving down there, at least not until after school is done. And even then, no guarantees. What if one of his other options is better than me?

I think this hurts most because I don't have any options. I feel like I'm drowning and I just want him to pull me out. Maybe I've put blinders on myself because I'm so obsessed with him. I find other guys attractive, but I'd never go after it. I don't know if that's because of him or because I'm terrified of rejection. Probably both.

The truth of the matter is, I need to get a grip. I can't tell what is going to happen in the next month, two months, or even year. I can't tell where either of us will be by the end of the summer, much less by the time I graduate. I have to go where I get a job - I don't have a choice. If I can get a job in/near/around Tulsa or even Oklahoma, great. It's just so hard to see myself with anyone else because I don't have anyone in mind. He has options. He has other girls to go after. He could, potentially, end up with someone else. And I don't like that. But it's only fair - what can I expect from him?

When we're together, things are great. But I'm just not a fan of how easy it is/was/will be for him to transition from being with me as a 'mutually interested friend with benefits' to having his options open for other girls. It's like breaking up with him. Every time. Or something, I don't know. I'm crazy.

I don't know. I feel crazy, honestly. I know, logically, that I can't expect anything else from him - we're not together, we're not close [though it's been stated that if we were, that would all be different], so he's leaving himself open for other options. Just like I should. He's told me to, others have told me to... But the truth is, I'm just not interested in anyone else. Or I am and I'm just so convinced nothing is going to [should?] happen with it, that I just ignore it or make excuses.

I can't wait to see him. To hold him. To be hugged, loved, kissed... To feel wanted. But I'm also sad because I know it has to end. I'm sad because I know that, on August second, I have to say 'until next time'. And, in the mean time, he goes after someone else. And where am I left? Alone, just like always.

We had a good conversation last night where he pointed out some of the things that I do that contribute to making me feel the way I do. But I feel empty. My chest hurts. I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe because, despite everything, I'm still afraid to lose it. I'm afraid to lose that love to someone else.

Ugh. I don't know. I'm so confused and there isn't anything that can keep my mind away from it, it seems. I need a serious, major distraction from him/this/us. And badly.

I need to get a grip on myself. My life. My priorities. My feelings. And what's best for me.

Bleh

2010-04-04T10:11:00.001-04:00

I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I wonder if he thinks about me at all. He's got to, right? If he calls me and talks to me all the time, I mean.

I just wish he expressed it more. More often than when he is drunk.

2010-03-24T09:04:00.002-04:00

It is so difficult waking up every morning and thinking about him, not knowing what today's attitude would bring from him. It's hard waking up and knowing I won't feel him next to me, still, for more than three months.

I want to hear from my internship. This waiting BS is slowly killing me.

Sigh

2010-03-22T17:44:00.004-04:00

As much as it hurts, I think I need to tell myself it's not really going to work for now. I need to tell myself that things are going to be like this. I need to live my life for myself, not waiting on him.

I need to pull myself away. I need to detach myself somewhat. Holding onto the wish and hope against hope that he'll come around is just not good for me. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into taking care of him, of pretending to not be upset, that there is nothing left for anything else.

So I start slowly. "I've got homework." "I've got a test tomorrow, I have to go to sleep." "I'm going out withe my friends." And maybe I look a little harder around here. Maybe I find something else to occupy my mind. I'll still hang out with him, spend time with him of course, but I can't be surrendering my life to him so soon. It's just that he's everywhere. He's got my phone number - he texts, he calls, he IMs - he has my facebook, my WoW, my screennames. There are movies, shows and songs that just remind me of him. Places on campus, smells and voices that just make me smile for a second, remembering, and then sigh in frustration because he's not here.

I need to stand up for myself, like Rachel said. I need to live my own life like I want to, to hold onto my own dreams and what I want and not build my life around something and someone so relatively unstable. I need to ignore my jealousy, ignore when he talks about other girls. Not get upset when he leaves, not feel bad about spending my time doing something else with someone else.

This is awful. It's incredibly hard. All I want to say is "I know we could make it, baby, if you would just try it out." And I think we could. I think it would work. I think we'd be happy. But what would it solve? He's still not here, I'm not there. No matter what it involves waiting.

I just have to decide if I want it to be miserable or bearable - happy, even. While the choice is easy, executing it isn't.

2010-03-02T02:11:00.003-05:00

I want to go to sleep and wake up and find him here.

It's ridiculous, I know, to entertain the idea. It's bad for my psyche. It's terrible for my emotional stability...

But I can't help it. I want him here, with me, arms around me, sleeping by my side-- snoring and all. I want the warmth, the smiles, the kisses. I want a hug, I want to cuddle. I want to sit and watch a movie with him - I want to have a tickle fight that I lose, maybe on purpose, just to play around.

I wish this wasn't so hard. I wish it didn't still hurt so bad. And I won't show this to him. I won't tell him how I feel because he already knows, because he'll tell me I'm silly because it can't be changed right now. And it is silly to dwell on something you can't change like this.

Sometimes this is okay. Sometimes I just go about my business, acting like we used to. And I still do all the time to his face. But behind the computer, where he can't see me, I pout and sigh, tear up a little on occasion, and get sad when it's time to leave. I have to bite my tongue against saying 'I love you' like we used to do all the time, because we're walking that thin, friendship-relationship line right now. But I want to say it so bad - I miss it. But I know better than to do it. For his sake and mine.

Four months is too damned long...

2010-02-28T03:20:00.003-05:00

On the inside I really hate this. On the inside I want to refuse and go kicking and screaming. Part of me wants to yell - I think it might be appropriate.

But I know where he stands and I know what I should/have to/need to do. I've just gotta be there. Just have to be the 'friend' for now. And I guess that's okay, most of the time.

Except when I get the sinking feeling I'll always want more out of it than he does or is willing to give. It's really hard knowing his eyes are not necessarily just for me, especially when I feel like mine aren't wandering all that much.

But maybe that is just my psyche getting the better of me. That happens a lot, so I wouldn't be surprised.

I just wish he was here...

Not-girlfriend-girlfriend state

2010-02-25T02:46:00.002-05:00

That's what I'm calling this. It's how I feel, basically down to the letter. I know I'm not his girlfriend. I know that we are not together. But, on many occasions, it feels like it. Sometimes we treat it like we are (like we always have?), though neither of us really mention anything about it.

And I guess I'm okay with it. I kinda want to be that cool guys-girl, that cool-to-hang-around-female-friend. Do I want to know he's mine? Yeah, sure, but that is honestly not feasible right now. And I have to admit that to myself, accept it, and move on. I can miss him - that's not going to go away - but I have to be realistic. If I get ahold of myself, it is so much easier to be his friend. To be that girl.

I feel comfortable talking to him... About just about anything, really. In truth, he's probably my best friend. Maybe I'm not in love and I just enjoy his company. Maybe that's okay too. But I can't really ignore the tug at my heart I feel, either.

Having spoken to him more, I understand better what he wants and what this all means to him. Yes, there are still minor gray areas, but what can I expect?

All in all, I have to sort of shove aside the self-pity and depression over him not being physically around and just sort of enjoy what I *do* have. Enjoy the friendship - the jokes, the phone conversations, the laughs, the arguments, the texts, the conversations into deep scientific topics - without the drama I create for myself. I think I'll be happier this way.

I'm still planning to go in July. I'd go earlier if I really had the time/money. But I think we're both pretty pumped for the summer... And maybe more anticipation, and subsequent relief is exactly what we need. In the end, I think things will work out.

Sigh.

2010-02-15T22:34:00.002-05:00

I know it won't 'fix' anything. I know it won't because I'd still have to say goodbye. I'd still have to leave.

But I want to go so bad.
I want to just say 'fuck it' and hop on a plane next weekend.
I want to be with him again because it was safe and reassuring.
This whole up and down thing is just not cutting it. I can't handle it.
The mixed signals and crazyness I feel in my heart is utterly exhausting and I don't know if I can do it anymore.

And yet I know I will. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and admit I miss him but will continue to talk to him just like I always do. I just want it to be July right now. I want to know I'm going to be spending time with him soon.

I don't even want the label anymore necessarily, I just want to be with him. I want a hug. I want to feel comfortable. I just wish I knew for sure that was what he wanted too. That he was, even sort of subconciously, counting down the days... But I can't convince myself he is. I feel like he's going about his life as normal and I'm sorta stuck, watching the days drag by and just waiting for July...

... But, then again, I guess it's always sort of been that way for me in these situations.

2010-01-31T14:36:00.003-05:00

Today seems more sad than the last two days. I was doing alright, to be honest. I was doing fine. But this morning I woke up from a great dream and... Well, it was a dream. I leaned back and he wasn't there. I leaned back, turned my head to smile and give him a kiss and... He was gone. He's been gone, for almost a week now. There was no tighter embrace because I'd woken him from moving. There wasn't a exhaling of breath as I leaned closer. There was no smile with closed eyes, no 'good morning'.

No more kisses, no more tickle fights, no more hugs. At least not for a while. And I keep telling myself that soon enough I'll be able to go see him. That soon enough it will be summer time and everything will work out, just how I'd like it to. But it's hard to be that positive when I sit in my bed alone, watching a movie, wishing I could just be near him.

I have no regrets about it. Every moment of last weekend was fantastic. Even the tears were worth it. And I can understand our position-- it sucks. I can understand why a label would not change what we are or where we're going, really. And it's not the label that I want - what I want is him. Here. Now. With me.

I hate to think about him with someone else. Holding someone the way he did me. Kissing them, making them feel special and loved and warm like he did with me. I have no idea if he's looking. I can't be sure. It's the unknown that is killing me. But again: What else is there? No one can know what will happen in the next five or so months. No one can know where I will be, he will be.

And I thought I'd accepted that. But in the end, I have to get over this. And I will, slowly, eventually. I just miss him and wish that I could drop $400 on a plane ticket; but I barely have $200 to my name right now. July, I tell myself. This summer, soon enough...

2009-12-15T20:04:00.003-05:00

Since when did I elect to conciously break my own heart?
Over,
And over,
And over,
And over again?

Oh, right. The moment I agreed to be friends. The moment I told myself that I'd be able to handle it. Yeah, Shannon. You're handling it fucking beautifully.

The tears look good on you. No, really. They do.

Ick.

2009-12-15T10:11:00.002-05:00

I can't stop thinking about him with her.
I can't stop thinking about how jealous I am.
Not just of her.
But of him too.
I can bet he hasn't spent one night crying over us.
I also know he's moved on.
He's got her, after all.
What kills me is that it took him two weeks.
Two.
Weeks.
What is that?
And here I am.
Sitting here.
Alone.
Liking someone I can't have.
And still having feelings for a guy who moved on more than a month ago.
I want it to stop.
But I don't know how to make it.
Actually, I do.
But I don't want to do that.
My option is basically to stop being friends with him.
Ignore him.
Get him out of my life.
Forget him.
Because no matter what I think.
When he's not around.
I think about him being with her.
Snuggling.
Kissing.
Doing all the things I could only ever dream of.
And I get jealous.
And annoyed.
Because I feel like we never really got a chance.
But if I'm honest with myself.
I know that it wouldn't have worked.
... Right?
And if I'm even more honest with myself.
I know that I need to stop being his friend.
I know that it is torturing me.
Because I don't know how to be this person.
I don't know how to not think about her.
When I'm talking to him.
I'm just so angry still.
So frustrated with him.
And it comes up every time he leaves.
Because I blame it on him.
And myself too, I guess.
But I never got to talk to him about this stuff.
And bringing it up now just seems stupid.
I don't want to be the bitch to ruin his relationship with her.
But at the same time...
I do.
And I'm overreacting.
Being stupid.
Holding onto this.
Is just dumb.
I need to let it go.
And find something else.
Too bad, no matter where I look, I can't seem to find someone.
I wish I was okay being alone.
But not anymore.
I've been ruined.
Tainted by this feeling.
I find it hard to breathe when I think about it.

2009-11-23T23:39:00.003-05:00

How do you be the friend after being the girlfriend? How do you ignore that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? How do you not overreact when he wants to leave, when you know he's going to spend time with her, when he stops talking to you to play a game? How do you strike a balance between feeling and hurting? Where does this line end? Is there an easy way to do this?

Can I do both? Is that even possible? Right now it does not feel like it. I want to punch him and at the same time I want to kiss him. I want to push him away, not talk to him because it would be easier, but at the same time I want to hug him and never let go. How do I stop feeling this way, stop this stupidity?

How do I stop holding out hope for this? How do I stop myself from thinking anything will ever come of this again?

How does this work?

So many questions and just not enough answers... Ever.

Breathing

2009-11-22T14:59:00.003-05:00

I wonder, sometimes, if you just smile through the pain if it will just go away.

I don't want to feel this way - I'm happy for him, glad he's moved on and maybe, in a way, that will help me too. The hardest part will be being friends. It will be holding on to the jokes and the sarcasm and not the hugs. It'll be differentiating between him being himself and him flirting. It'll be hard. It won't be fun for a while, but I'm going to try. We'll see how this goes, I guess. And, one day, like he said, I'll find someone to be happy with too.

But, ya know... I've heard that before. I've heard that a few times, from a few people for a while now... I just have to wonder when something is going to happen.

2009-09-22T09:02:00.003-04:00

I need to stop giving away the most breakable thing I own.
All that happens is me getting hurt.

That, and I need to learn how to walk away from something, how to let it go.
I need to find someone HERE, someone close, not half a country away.

I want someone that cares and SHOWS it.
Even if it's just an IM when I'm not here.
Or a random text, just to say "hi".
Maybe a voicemail now and again.

I'm not that hard to please.
I swear.
I'm not asking for a lot.
I just want a little of your time to myself.

If you meant what you said before, this wouldn't be an issue.
And if you cared enough to notice, you'd see I'm down on my knees, broken and crying, because I don't know what to do next.
And I can't do this by myself any more.

I don't want to love any more because it hurts.
Because I feel like I give everything and don't get anything back.

fml

hugs

2009-09-09T21:30:00.003-04:00

I want a hug. I want to be held. I want to have a guy wrap both of his arms around me and I want to just stand there, arms around his waist, swaying softly, head on his chest and just be. I want to live that moment - those moments. I don't want to have to talk. I want to cry but not necessarily be asked why. I want to cry because I'm so happy. I want to know what it feels like to have those arms around me. I haven't touched someone like that - held someone, been so close or intimate with someone - in well over two years. If I didn't have a taste for this already, if I didn't know how good I could feel, maybe this wouldn't be so bad. But I do, and it is, and it's eating me inside out. I don't think it's something I've ever done - holding someone in the silence - but it sounds so right, so peaceful so... Nice right now that I can't help but want it. Just to try it. Just to know.

Bah

2009-06-15T19:29:00.001-04:00

I wish he'd call.
Or email me.
Or something.

... And I hate myself for it. What is wrong with me?

I miss...

2009-05-24T01:56:00.006-04:00

... Being the light in someone's path.
... When all of this was done for me.
... When I didn't have to worry about this.
... Before my heart was broken for the first time.
... Reading for the fun of it.
... When a B was a good grade.
... Before I started to recognize how much I cared about you.
... When I had someone to cry to.
... Feeling secure.
... Long late-night conversations on nothing at all (I wish I remembered them).
... Those hugs.
... Before I had plastic.
... Things when they weren't so hard.
... The dreams I had when I thought anything was possible.
... You.
... And you too sometimes.
... What I had with you.
... How you made me feel and how comfortable I was.
... Walking the street with you, saying everything, because I know you wouldn't judge me.
... Hearing those three little words every day.
... Meaning what I say.
... Not pretending to be okay.
... When we were all friends.
... When my biggest problem was not having the right colored crayon.
... The adventure of creation and imagination.
... Feeling close to someone.
... You missing me like I miss you.

Wow

2009-05-22T16:01:00.002-04:00

Wow.
I suck. So hardcore.
And ya know what? This whole week has sort of sucked. Found out my parents have to declare chapter seven bankruptcy, we have next to no money in the meantime, and my glasses broke. I have to charge a good amount of stuff to the new credit card I just got, which despite all of my Mom's reassurance, still scares the shit out of me. I had to go to the doctors - which I hate - which, on the way, is where my Dad told me about the bankruptcy. So in addition to sort of having a panic attack for being at the doctor, I felt like crying because of what he'd told me. They seem fine and okay and everything and they say it wont' affect my schooling or anything like that, but still. Scary, scary, scary.

Another thing: School. Got grades today. And I anticipated this semester being my worst semester yet... And it was. I sort of expected it, so I was vaguely numb to the whole idea to begin with, but meh. It's still got me down. Makes me want to work harder next semester, though. I think I just had wayyyyy too much going on this semester and I was so burnt out that I couldn't get myself to do anything. I'm in a few classes with one of my friends so hopefully I'll be able to work off her steam in getting myself through it all. I'm vaguely optimistic.

My internship this summer will hopefully save my mood and my resolve in what I'm doing. For the first time I've started to doubt myself - but more the fact that I'm doubting my abilities rather than what I want to do. I can't wait to get started with this internship and see how things go... I'm excited to see what this has in store for me. At the bottom, this is a great opportunity... The highest hopes is that maybe they offer me a job if I do a fantastic job. I hope to take every avenue with this... Do everything I can.

Annnnnnd then there's Ramon. I get nervous and giddy around him, I love just watching him or just sitting and listening to the silence, really. It's become normal for us, and the two of us are... Interesting, to say the least. We're not together, but I get the feeling that neither of us is particular running after someone else. The hard thing is that neither of us really wants the whole distance. Honestly I've done it enough, and I'm not sure I can do it again. He's definitely not into it, which I respect, but I know how he feels about me, and it's hard. I guess, though, that I'm learning to live with it the way it is. Maybe he'll come visit sometime soon (he keeps saying so, and I was going to go over the summer, but with the current financial situation, that certainly isn't going to happen). This is technically the least of my worries right now.

And yet... I worry.
The hell is wrong with me? When will things get better? :/

love

2009-04-13T07:51:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wish I believed in something, anything (a cause, a religion, a feeling...) enough to bring me to tears.

I think that thing for me used to be love... But I'm not sure what happened there anymore.

I want to believe. I want to understand and create and KNOW that there is love out there, that someone out there finds me deserving, finds me... Perfect, in my own imperfect sorta way.

But I'm not sure I can anymore.

The situation has made us both bitter, angry, pessimistic people now... Are you happy?

Hmmm

2009-04-11T13:33:00.002-04:00

I have determined this, if nothing else:

I am well overdue for a nice boy in my life.

Unsure

2009-04-09T01:29:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure why I pretend like it will get better. Why I tell myself that he'll change, or has changed, or whatever. I dunno why I even entertained the notion that he'd come here. I don't know why I pretend he wants to work things out and do anything aside from royally fuck with my head.

I'm done. I won't chase anymore. It's not my turn, God damnit, and it hasn't been for a LONG God damned time.

It's not my fucking turn.

Today is just one of those days

2009-04-05T13:36:00.003-04:00

... And some days it just hurts to breathe.

I just hurts to think, to speak, to laugh, to talk to any of them. Because they're so far away and, no matter how much they care, I can't feel it. I could have been on the phone with him last night for hours and listened to him sleep, listen to him breathe. But I would never be able to feel him next to me.

I can't tell him how much I miss him, how much I care. I can't bring him down anymore because he leave in less than two weeks. For four months. For four months he'll be gone and who knows what the fuck will happen in four months, to either of us. What feelings will change, who we'll meet.

I can't bring myself to tell him that I don't really think of him 'that way' anymore. He's one of my greatest friends, he knows a good portion of my feelings and secrets (albeit not all of them), but I don't think I'm attracted to him that way anymore. I still flirt because it's just how I am, just how our relationship has always been. I'm supposed to try to visit him this summer, time permitting and... I dunno how that's going to go down. I really don't have the time to think about that right now.

Then again, I feel like I hardly have time for anything these days.

Really?

2009-03-28T14:50:00.007-04:00

I'm a fuckin' awesome liar. For as much as I tell myself I don't chase him, don't care as much whether we talk or we don't, I still do it. His name is the first one I look for when I get online, my heart skips a beat every time he IMs me. When I hear those songs - there are quite a few - I still think about him. Every time I have a voice mail or missed call, I hope it's him. When I see a new text message I'm hoping he's just dropped one to say hello. New IM? I wonder if he's making the effort.

I keep telling myself I'm tired of caring. And, in a way, I am. But I can't stop myself. "I don't know what we are to each other but we can't seem to get away from one another either" - he hit the nail right on the head. In some way, he's my safety net. He makes me feel good, if only briefly, because he knows me. Inside and out sometimes, I think. Or maybe he doesn't - I don't know. Part of me is sure our relationship is toxic and ridiculous and I need to stop it. But part of me can't. Part of me doesn't *want* to because if feels good, God damnit. At least for that moment. For those few times where all he does is joke around with me, flirt, make silly comments. Where I sing him to sleep and listen to him breathe but can't feel him here next to me. Where I can imagine his hands on my skin, his voice in my ear. There's something good about it. Something right. I don't know what the fuck we are or what the fuck is going on. I don't know how to figure it out - and there is only one way that I can think of to

I want him to come here next weekend. I want him to see me - I feel like this would push us one way or the other in figuring out what the fuck is wrong with us, if anything is there between us, what the fuck is going on...

I think I'm insane. He hasn't so much as called me since we started talking about three weeks ago and I want him to come see me? Do I call him? Do I got against what I've been telling myself because I shouldn't be scared at this point? Do I make the effort when he's only just begun? Do I beg? Do I throw myself out there and ask? Is it worth it? Is it worth the possible discord it might cause, the money it would cost if he said yes, the torture and torment I'm likely to feel after he's gone? I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm tired of thinking about this. But even still my brain won't knock it the fuck off. I just continue to process, to ask, to feel like crying because I can't figure this out.

Part of me is convinced the best course of action is to just stop talking to him. To just let it go and move on. But... I can't. I don't know how to do that. I did that with Diego but that was so much easier... He hurt me, no the other way around. This time I think a lot of is that I feel that I owe Matt a lot. I owe him my time and my attention if he wants it. He's not making me miserable so much as I'm making myself miserable, I think. I care too much for my own good sometimes.

Thing is, when I'm busy, I'm fine. It's when I'm left to my own devices, my own thoughts, that I start freaking out about all this. I don't need him to survive, I know that. But I want him. What's so bad about that?

Then there's the Logan issue. And the Ramon issue. And the Diego issue that doesn't exist but that I'd like to actually blame for a lot of my own personal fucked up issues - that relationship screwed me three ways from Sunday because of how hard it was on me. But can I blame it all on that? No, that would be irresponsible and I'm all about the responsibility...

My friend Tanya pointed out to me that I probably hold myself back here at school, in 'real life', because I'm waiting for someone that may not care as much as I do. Whether it's Matt, Logan, Ramon or maybe even Diego, I hold myself back. But, honestly... I don't know if that's true. I have never sparked someone's interest in that way in real life before. I strongly believe that. At least not that I know of - no one has ever had a crush on me, not that I've known of anyways. So what am I holding myself back from? The last guy that I tried to get here in real life seemingly had no interest in me whatsoever... And I don't hang out with a whole lot of guys anyways, so...? There are plenty of cute boys around campus - a good portion of which seem to be taken, big surprise - but I don't talk to them. It's not that I don't talk to them because of Matt or Logan or whoever. I don't talk to them because I never have been the one to easily initiate that sort of conversation. I'm friendly, but I'm not... Pushy. Not to mention my intense self-consciousness issues.

I have too much work to be doing to be thinking about this right now.

Too bad my brain doesn't seem to be giving a shit about that.

Ugggggh

2009-03-08T03:08:00.003-04:00

General feeling for the last week (especially the last few days).
Suckage. Suck. Age. Ugh. UghughUGH.

Logan broke up with me on Wednesday and hasn't spoken to me since... I really got no answers or anything. Not that this should surprise me. You think I'd be used to of feeling this way after not getting answers from Diego forever... I still don't really have them. Whatever. In the end this was probably better... But it still sucks. Nighttime is the worst... When I'm alone in the quiet with my own thoughts, picking apart every little thing like I always do. I can't stop myself as much as I want to. The worst part is, I think, that he doesn't even seem broken up about it... Like he just went on with life and didn't have to stop even for a moment. It was like he had finally told me it was over after he'd already decided it a week ago when he started pulling away from me.

Whatever. I'm as over it as I'm going to get for the next few days. As long as I'm distracted I'm fine. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

I'm home for Spring Break now... And I'm not exactly happy. I don't really want to be here. It's partially that here has a lot of memories for both Logan and Matt (whom is my safety net/comfort zone) and it's hard to not contact Matt when I feel like this. I wanted to call him so badly the other night... But I stopped myself. It's not good for either of us. But if he ever called me... I don't think I'd be able to stop myself. It just wouldn't happen.

I also wanted to go to Tulsa to see Ramon, but that didn't occur. Too expensive for this week on such short notice (340 ish dollars for bus tickets) and he doesn't really have the money to help out right now. We WILL see each other before this year ends, I hope... We hope maybe during the summer.

If I have time.

I applied for an internship at the Utica Zoo for the summer... Would begin June 1st and be done around August 3rd. Nine weeks, unpaid but free living (pay for food), at the Utica Zoo... The program sounds amazing. I really can't wait to find out if I got it or not... Gotta get a phone interview at some point when they review my resume. ::crosses her fingers::

Even still, I'm hoping this trip will happen. Maybe a week after I get out of school I'll go there for a little while, come home, leave for the zoo.

Diego also contacted me out of nowhere about two weeks ago... Talked to him once on the phone and he asked if we could start talking again and I said I'd think about it. After a week I got up the courage to tell him I didn't think it was a good idea and while he'd always be in my thoughts, I couldn't do that. A lot of it was because I didn't want my thoughts about him to screw up what Logan and I had. Too bad that happened anyway and it wasn't even his fault. Or mine. I've really got NO idea what the fuck happened there. Whatever. It's better this way, my logic tells me... Too bad my heart severely disagrees at this point.

So much shit is happening. I'm trying to juggle getting into this program, getting this internship, my classes, my RA job, tutoring job, friends, boys, my stupid feelings, other things people want from me...

I sometimes wonder if I've even got anything left to give anymore.

things I gots ta do!

2008-12-20T21:19:00.005-05:00

Things to be accomplished while at home over break:

- ~~Sell the rest of my textbooks [has to wait until I get to school]~~
- ~~Email professors for next semester asking what textbooks will be used for their class~~
- ~~Order/buy/rent textbooks for next semester [has to wait until I get to school]~~
- Clean my room here at home, maybe getting rid of things I know I don't need/want/use
- Finish my latch-hook which has been in a work in progress for... Two or three years
- Pirates marathon!
- LotR marathon!
- Saw marathon!
- ~~Get plenty of sleep and not feel guilty about it~~
- ~~Play WoW~~
- ~~Center myself and decide what/who is and is not worth my time... And convince myself of it~~
- Figure out the general logistics of what I'm doing this summer as far as the Sanctuary or getting a job and/or being a summer RA [kinda has to wait until I get to school - need to talk to Rachel about this!]
- ~~Read a book or two... Or five~~
- ~~Accept that he is probably not coming back and that's alright~~
- ~~Spend some lovely time with friends~~
- ~~Enjoy Christmas and the Holidays with my family~~
- ~~Love my cats a whole bunch :DDD~~
- Make a list of questions for the financial aid department/school/my adviser about Santa Fe
- Do some CSS code/profile/graphics/make a new blog layout

and so it goes

2008-12-09T13:54:00.003-05:00

Good news: My schedule for next semester is all set and is, in fact, very awesome. I'll be done with class by 11:15 on MWF and I don't start class until 11:10 on TTh... My labs are TTh at 2:20 and I got into both my vertebrate zoology and my online chem class... I'm taking 17 credits again, which is always fun.

I think I might get my job back at the dining hall... I really, really need money. It'd driving me crazy not to have something coming in. I mean, I have the tutoring I'm doing, but I get three hours a week right now (it's possible I'll have more next semester - I started kind of late this semester) and that's not a lot of money. I wish I could get a job somewhere else, 'cause I really don't want to work at the dining hall, but we'll see about it.

I need to apply to Santa Fe/the zoo tech program in Florida soon as well as look into internships/at least volunteer opportunities for this summer (I'm looking at a sanctuary called JNK, which I think would be awesome; I'd live with my friend Rachel who'd be doing it with me, at her house... Much cheaper!)... If not that, I definitely need a job this summer. So, so much to do...

Living here has made me more aware of how unaware most people are. They aren't aware of how their actions affect others (or maybe they are and they just prefer to be assholes about it and don't really care - I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, I guess). I don't belong here. I don't like it here. It seems that everyone here smokes and drinks all the time, or if not all the time, a hell of a lot more than I do. And that wouldn't normally bother me, I guess, aside from the fact that, as a RA, I now have to watch out for and deal with it... Especially when they're dumb about it. My staff is great, though I don't feel a great connection to them as I think most staffs may feel. My residents... Are wonderful when they so choose to be, although some of them are genuinely awesome people. I have to initiate conversation with most of them, they won't come to me, and it's tiring. I realize it's my job to be friendly, outgoing and interested, but when you don't get anything back from your efforts, you have less motivation to do it the next time.

My residents will stand outside of my room and collect for dinner (note that this isn't all of them, though a good portion of them - and if they don't collect, they at least walk by to go downstairs), but won't ask me to go. And it's not like they would think that I've already gone because I will have been sitting in my room since 1 or 2 in the afternoon and not left for more than two minutes to go to the bathroom, my door open the entire time. I think it's rude and unkind that they would not at least ask - even if they had the thought that I might have already gone. I would never think to do that to someone unless I really didn't know them. Most of the time I'm lucky to get a 'hello' or even a smile from half of them.

I guess I'm just tired of this place, this semester, my life. I'm lonely here. And not just because I don't have a boyfriend - it's more than that. My closest friend on campus is Cliff, who is on staff, but it's not like I'm as good of friends with him as I am with, say, Kelsey or Tanya who live on the other side of campus. I can't just go over there all the time either because not only do they and I have things to do, but I need to be in my building sometimes too... Not that it matters most of the time, seeing as when I *am* here, I just sit here with my door open while my residents seem to hardly take notice of me, whether I say 'hello' or not.

I'm tired... Too tired for all of this. I need a break...
[/rant]

Simply said

2008-12-06T14:57:00.004-05:00

I miss him.
I want to write, to create again.
I wish I knew how he really felt.
This loneliness is overpowering sometimes. I'm surrounded by people almost all the time but still I can't seem to be happy.

He's moved on, it seems, quicker than I expected, and without coming back. Not that I really miss him, but if he can be happy (if he is? Who even knows) why can't I?

He's confused and has no idea what he wants. He's been dragging me through the mud for too long now and although I finally told him it was far less liberating than I wanted it to be. It's been a week now. Most of all, I fear he might actually not come back this time.

I haven't spoken to him since July. I wonder if he'll say anything to me when I get on WoW in a few weeks. I wonder how he's doing and, yes, I miss him a little too. It scares me.

Being alone scares me. It's hard to stand up on your own. You think you get used to it after a while but really, I'm not sure it gets much easier. Maybe to a point, maybe for periods of time, but not completely.

I just don't know why I'm the friend and nothing more. Why am I just the one to come to to talk and not anything more than that? I guess I can't blame them.

I don't think I'd want to date me either.

I am pretty fucked up in the head.

Blahblahblah the right one will come along and then you'll know. I guess I'm just sick of waiting, I'm getting impatient.

I don't know why I focus on this so much. Maybe it has something to do with my lack of self-esteem and my inability to reassure myself that I can do well on my own and without another person's approval.

Who knows.

Just another day... One more step without them.

No time for anything

2008-11-22T10:42:00.002-05:00

I miss a lot of things I used to so thoroughly enjoy.

Things like RPing, reading, making graphics, crocheting... I don't have time for most of that stuff anymore. I spend most of my time in class or doing homework and when I'm not doing that I'm trying to get away from the computer or my room and be with my friends. Not that my friends aren't entertaining, and I love them, but I miss doing those things.

I haven't found a good RP partner in ages. I miss Diego for that, I guess. I've been thinking about sending him an email lately, just to see how he was doing and all that. With the holidays coming up so fast it's got me thinking about him and whatnot.

I haven't been able to read for pleasure (AKA: something that isn't a text book or otherwise required for a class) in a long, long time. Every time I think about it, I'm either too busy or too tired... And I know that if I start reading I'll just fall asleep.

I lost my PSP9 on this computer, though I think it's got 8 on it. I just don't have the time to make graphics, or even do code anymore. Don't have much to be making graphics for anyways, I guess. New blog layouts, I s'pose... But that's about it.

As with everything else, I don't really have time to pick up my crocheting needle and yarn and just enjoy the rhythm it gets me into. I've seen spools of pretty yarn that I've wanted to buy and I just stop myself by saying that I don't have time to do it, so why waste the money on it?

In other news... I dunno. I just felt like writing, sort of procrastinating on my homework and whatnot which I'd really like to get through before the break. I've also got a lot of studying to do.

Oye vey.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

2008-11-20T17:29:00.003-05:00

I'm a bit lonely here.

I mean, I'm surrounded by a bajillion and five other people, but I'm lonely. I have my friends, and they're WONDERFUL, but I want something else. I want a boyfriend. Someone who I can kiss goodnight... And good morning. Someone who isn't a plane ride away but just a short walk. At this point I'd settle for Matt, even though he drives me crazy... I have feelings for him that I just can't explain, that I'm not sure anyone can really even understand. I'm not even sure I fully understand them. I just want someone who thinks I'm the most special thing in the world; someone who couldn't imagine how they lived before me.

Maybe that's a bit dramatic, a bit sappy... Even a bit scary. Maybe I don't want someone who's really that crazy. But I do want someone to be close to, emtotionally, physically if possible. I dunno. I always get lonely around this time, though - as the weather turns cold and it starts snowing I think about how much I'd like to go on a walk with someone, all bundled up in jackets and mittens, and just hold their hand. How I'd like to lay in a warm bed with them and just listen to them breathe, just watch them sleep... I dunno. The holidays always make me feel like this and they make me reminisce a lot; whether or not that's a good thing, I don't know.

In better news, I just figured out my life. For a bit I thought I wasn't going to be able to graduate on time (AKA after next year; and by 'graduate' I really and technically mean go to Florida) but I figured out what was wrong and it's all better now. As it is I could take a minimum of 13 credits my last semester here... But somehow I don't think I'm going to be doing that. xP I'll probably max it out around 16 or 17.

Other than that... I'm tired. And I want to sleep.

Maybe I'll take a nap.

Updateeeeee...

2008-11-18T23:56:00.003-05:00

So, firstly: I suck at concentrating. Especially on studying. I hate studying with a burning passion more aggressive than... Well, a lot of things. It's just so... Boring. And dumb. Especially when I don't have any idea how to study for something - like a biology lab test. I mean, wtf? Since when did labs come with tests. Ridiculousness.

Secondly: Things have changed in my life recently, mostly starting this weekend awkwardly enough. Broke up with someone I'd been dating since September... He was a nice enough guy, I s'pose, but things weren't working anymore. He had a great number of different views from me (including points on politics, race, gender, etc) and that wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so vocal and forceful about them. We also just grew apart and I didn't feel like I had the proper amount of time to give to him.

Matt also started talking to me again... Said he broke his leg at work. I'm thinking about taking a train in January from home to see him and then leaving directly from the city to go back to school (I have to be here on the 16th). I still have to talk to him about it (I want to convince him to pay for half of it - it would be 45 dollars) and then I have to somehow sell the idea to my parentals... But, I guess my feelings on that is that I'll tell them that I'm going to visit a friend and, that really, I'm an adult now... As scary as that is and as much as I might want to retract that statement for a few other things, I am an adult, plain and simple. If it's my money and that's how I decide to spend it, I think I should be allowed. I feel bad leaving my vacation time early, but really... I'll be home for almost a month and they'll be at work most of the time anyways sooooooooo... Yeah. I dunno. It's still totally in the planning phase at this point.

I also need to save money for my internship this summer and even for Florida... I can't believe how fast it's all coming up. I think I'm doing an internship this summer in Florida (Sanibel Island) with a rehabilitation clinic... It looks so awesome. $200 for a month of stay, you just have to buy food and transport there/back... Which, obviously is going to be sort of expensive, but still. Loans, I guess. Or something. Oye. Florida is only a year and a half away... That is the scariest thing. I can't believe how close it is. Actually, I don't know if I'm going to finish in time because of the amount of classes I have to take. I really need to talk to my advisor... Makesure things are working out properly.

I'm tutoring in General Chemistry now (111/212) for money... I needed some sort of income, even if it was generally minimal. For now I get $7.15 a hour and am tutoring four hours a week (I requested up to 10, seeing as I can't get more than that because of being a RA) but at least it's something. I needed something.

Other than that... I've been doing an AMAZING job going to the gym on a regular basis and working out for about a hour each time... So exciting. I can't weigh myself while I'm here (accidentally left the scale at home; I'll be getting it when I go home next week) but that's alright... We'll see where I'm at when I go home, I s'pose.

Other things in life are... Well, things, I guess. Nothing amazing or terrible on any side of the coin, really.

Now, lets see if I can focus at all...

If I had the Guts to say This...

2008-10-27T19:24:00.002-04:00

I thought that this might be a good idea for me. A friend of mine, Luther, did this on his facebook, said it made him feel a lot better - I think it's a good way to get out what you've always wanted to say without actually having the awkward, and perhaps unnecessary confrontation that you would otherwise need to have.

Here's a list of things I want to say to people. A person may or may not appear more than once on the list; I won't tell you if you or that other person are or are not on the list.

How many are about you?

1.) Sometimes you seem to think you're smarter than everyone else. I kind of giggle everytime I hear school kicks your ass.
2.) I really don't think you're as dumb as you pretend. I think you just do it for the attention.
3.) You're cute, but that can only get you so far. Grow up.
4.) Get homework help from your boyfriend and stop flirting with me. I don't need it.
5.) I think you're moving too fast, but I don't know how to tell you to slow down.
6.) What the hell do you want? Make up your damned mind.
7.) You're making this a one-way situation and I can't do it by myself much longer.
8.) I'd respect you more if you spoke better English.
9.) You're a beautiful person. Why are you hiding behind him?
10.) Stop letting that happen to you. Just move out of the way.
11.) Stop talking about your job. I don't want to hear it anymore.
12.) Thanks for always being there, even if you don't think you were. I appreciate it.
13.) With or without you, I'll be alright. But why not be alright together?
14.) I miss you. Come back to me? We can fix this.
15.) If I hadn't met you so long ago, I wonder if I'd be the same person.
16.) Not everything you do is great or worthy of a long, drawn-out story.
17.) Sometimes when I stare into the mirror, I see you. I wonder if that's good or bad.
18.) I'm sorry I don't tell you I love you as much as I should - Who knows when we'll be able to say it again.
19.) You're a bitch. But, I hang out with you because everyone else likes you. I don't really have a choice.
20.) I forgive you for what you did but not for what you're doing.
21.) I wish you knew how to express yourself better. I'd like to hear what you had to say.
22.) I don't think you mean it when you say it to me - I think you just say it to fill the conversational void.
23.) You'd judge me for the decisions I make if I told you all of them. If only you knew.
24.) I smile at everyone but you. You creep me out - stop talking to me.
25.) To this day I think I feel you next to me sometimes. Sometimes, if only briefly, I regret ever having found out what I did. It was so simple back then.

Time flies...

2008-10-11T21:56:00.004-04:00

I can't hardly believe it's been a year since I found out (on the 2oth). Somehow it feels more recent, but at the same time... It seems like such a long, long time ago.

I hardly ever even think about him any more. I mean, on occasion someone will say something or I'll see something or someone will catch my eye and I swear, for a split-second, that it's him. Sometimes I think about emailing him and asking him how he is... But what good would that really do either of us? I made the effort to speak to him again and he has made his decision, apparently. He knows my email, my screen name - he hasn't signed on since July.

To say I miss him still might be pushing it; I just liked how simple it was with him. I was in love, I told myself, and that's it - he was the only one I had my eye on.

Now I'm left wondering how to go about conducting another relationship. Two guys online have a fondness for me, but am I ready and willing to wait for either of them?

I had an interest in a guy here and I was actually pursuing it... Only to come to find out that he's bisexual (which isn't the issue here, really) and, a few days after what I thought was a date between us, I found out that he's now dating a boy. Talk about awkward. But that's only because I still have feelings for him (he's a great guy... Cute, funny, kind, he's got the same major as me, etc) and I'm not sure if he knows... Either way, he's still flirting with me, which he shouldn't be doing if he's got a significant other.

In any event, that's over and... I've really not got my eye on anyone else here at school yet. There's a desk attendant in the building, Shaun, who is funny and hot, but I don't think he'd be interested in me... Though who knows, I guess. I don't see him enough to get a chance to find out, so. Oh well, I guess.

I'm not sure I'm happy with the guy I'm 'with' right now... Sometimes I am, but there are so many things that bother me that I just can't decide.

A lot of the problem is also Matt. He's got me turned upside down all the damned time - he shows some commitment to talking to me, to wanting to be with me but then drops the ball at other times. I get mad at him, he gets mad at me, and after a week of not talking, I pretty much decide I'm done with him and then a day later (like he has some damned radar or something) he comes back and tries to patch things up. And, whether it's because I feel bad for what I've done to him or the fact that I feel some sort of connection with him that I've never felt with anyone else, just because of what we've been through together. Some times I wonder if that's enough to hold up a relationship, if that's even ground to stand on, to begin with. But then there are times where I can almost hear him smile - I listen to him laugh, or even just breathe, and I know it could work.

I've come to the conclusion that the biggest problem is that we're both impatient. We remember how it was before everything happened, before we missed four years of each other's lives - when everything was lilies and daffodils and we were certain we'd be together forever - and we can't always recognize that things have changed, that feelings and situations have changed. Neither of us have as much time for the other as we once did - I've got class, he's got work during the day, at night we're exhausted or I've got meetings and socials and workshops and whatever. We're not used to that. When he calls me, I'm lucky to talk to him for a half hour before he usually falls asleep or has to go because he's at work. I wouldn't mind that so much if the calls were consistent. The fact is that he'll call me one night to help him fall asleep but won't call me again for a week. He's not too talkative online either, which is okay I guess, but it's got to be one or the other - it's not like we see each other every day.

At the end of the day I've got a lot of shit to sort out. Mostly having to do with boys.

They are issues. But then, when aren't they?

I kissed a girl and I liked it...

2008-07-20T20:22:00.002-04:00

Song of the weekend. Seriously.

Not all that great, I guess, but it's terribly catchy. And I heard it at least 15 times this weekend. Craziness.

So.

I went to Canada. And got drunk. Wheeeee. And I met some pretty awesome people (Kelsey's friends)... Including this kid named Adam who was probably the best. xD He was so much fun. We danced a bunch (he really danced with everyone, it was freaking awesome) and even if he was dancing with all the girls, it really did make me feel good... Not to mention the exercise was amazing. <3

Generally we had a great time, I think.

I did however just about have a panic attack when we had to go into the Albany train station, though. That's the third time I've had to go in there since Diego came to visit and each time I've had a panic attack, especially walking in the front doors. It's where I first met him and it's quite literally paralyzing. I didn't think I'd be able to go inside the first time I had to. I hate being there. It's terrible.

Ugh.

Otherwise, great weekend. <3 Yay.

my life

2008-07-17T21:40:00.006-04:00

All in all today was... Not terribly special. We went out for sushi, which was nice, and I got a few presents from my parents (including an awesome PotC lamp) but... It was uneventful otherwise.

I was talking to Ramon today about Diego and, eerily, my music playlist brought up "I Can't Let Go" by Landon Pigg. Terribly, unbelievably fitting for the conversation. I'm impressed when that happens.

Anyways.

He made an interesting point during our conversation, though. It's not that I can't let go, it's that I won't. And, I realized, he's right. I can let go. I just won't... I'm holding on to something that isn't really there anymore. I don't really know why. All I know is that I don't really know how to let go.

It's like I'm afraid to let go. It's like if I let go I'm losing some part of me that is important... But how? I'm trying to be rational and reasonable about all of this but I just can't seem to manage.

Only problem I had with him is that he seemed insistent that I needed to be over it. Now. Which, I don't agree with. I'll get over it in my own time... So what if I take months? It's my life.

I think the hardest part about this is learning to run my own life. For nearly four years my life was run on someone else's schedule - I skipped things and let things pass me by that I may not normally because I wanted to spend more time with him. Now, without him, I'm free to come and go as I please I don't have to wait around for a phone call, an IM, an email. I'm not used to that, and it's scary - I spent a lot of time with him. Maybe I shouldn't have but I was only 14. What did I know? All I knew is that this guy was like Prince Charming. If only I could have seen. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

It should be a liberating feeling, I guess. But... It's not, really. I feel kind of empty. When you center your life around someone and they pull the rug out from under you... What are you supposed to do? I don't want him to hold me back anymore - he let me go, he's released me and somehow I feel like I'm trying, in vain, to swim back to him. And I dont know why.

I'm trying not to get upset and just... Let things go. We aren't getting back together. We can't. There's just... There's no way. I couldn't trust him and, just... I dunno. I think we've both changed and grew apart. I want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes and tell the world to slow the fuck down so I can get off. I don't want to be on this ride anymore; it stopped being fun a long time ago.

Sometimes I think I saw the signs of this a long time ago... But I ignored them because I trusted him. I loved him.

He's made it hard for me to be able to think about letting anyone into my heart like I did with him... He's made it difficult for me to even contemplate loving someone as much as I loved him. And, if for nothing else, I hate him for that. I have always been a trusting, caring, loving person - there are very few people in life that I've met that I truly can't stand. I hope that, one day, I'll be able to love somebody like I loved him - with every fiber of my being. I want that back so badly; I want to be someone's everything.

He promised me the world and, here I am, with nothing. I've lost him, I lost Matt.

It's hard to think that everything we had was fake. That everything was a lie... That I lived that way for three and a half years. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, though... Maybe it wasn't all fake and maybe that should somehow comfort me... But I don't know that it does. I don't know how to comfort myself anymore, really.

I dunno. I'd like to think of this as a new beginning - going back to college without somebody to be attached to will, hopefully, open my eyes to other people around me. It's all I can hope for, I s'pose.

I cannot wait to get back to school, to be surrounded by people and things to do. I'm very excited about that.

This sadness and loss will pass; it always does. And, when that day comes, I'll welcome it with open arms.

birfdai

2008-07-17T00:15:00.002-04:00

So, it's my birthday. Has been for about 17 minutes how.

Don't feel much different.

I actually feel incredibly vacant, lonely, and empty.

I think I'm just going to go to sleep. God knows I could use some rest.

I wonder if I get the one thing I'm hoping for...

same as always...

2008-07-16T23:25:00.003-04:00

Part of what is killing me here is I don't know if anything is true... Did he ever really have feelings for me, did he ever really love me or was it just a ploy, just a game to him? Did he just use me so I'd continue to RP with him, so he'd have someone, always there, unwavering, no matter what he did?

And if he did, why is it so suddenly lost? Why is it gone so fast? How did he let go? WHY, for God's sake, is he not fighting for me?

I guess you can love someone to the ends of the Earth but you can't make them love you back no matter what you do.

And that's only one of them... I have my own set of problems (though the questions are eerily similar) with the other one... Oh boy.

I just want to curl up and cry for the next three days.

But I won't, I can't. I can't spend the rest of my life like this. I don't want to (but why, then, do I keep making myself miserable?).

I can't wait for this weekend. I can't wait to get away and be around people. ICAN'TWAIT.

I also can't wait to get back to school... To be distracted, to have other things, other people on my mind.

I can't wait until the day when I think about him and don't feel incapacitated with sadness and frustration. I can't until the day I can go without crying about this.

I can't wait.

Vices

2008-07-16T21:53:00.003-04:00

I wish I had different vices. It might, in fact, make my life easier. Might make this less painful.

I *hate* hearing about him and his girlfriend. I *hate* thinking about him and his girlfriend. I absolutely cannot handle it. And I don't know why - I shouldn't and don't want to care, but it hurts.

She's coming to visit him in September, I guess. Five months of being together and they're already going to see one another... It took him three years to come visit me.

This fact has invaded my conscious and now, with every lull in conversation or activity I find myself thinking about it. And, each time, it makes me want to cry like a baby.

Why, God, why am I not good enough? For anybody?

I know, I know, "You are good enough, he's a pain blahblahblah", but it doesn't feel like it.

And I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of this dull, throbbing pain in my heart.

I wish it'd just fuck off. Four months have passed (It really feels like so much more...) and it still feels like this.

Just once, I want to be someone's everything. I want to look in their eyes and know that they don't love anyone else, that they only care about me and they would hate to be anywhere but right there with me in their arms.

I thought, for a long time, that I had that. I guess I was wrong.

And it really sucks to have something like that ripped right out from under you...

why do I do this?

2008-07-16T03:51:00.001-04:00

Ya know, I wonder why I seem to insist on facilitating my own misery and unhappiness. I just made myself cry for over a half hour for... No reason, really. I mean, I had a reason, but it was my fault for dredging up things that would have been better left covered. I always do that. I'm doing fine for days and then alllllll of a sudden I have to just go do something to fuck it up.

I really just want to be someone's everything... I want to look in someone's eyes and know that I'm the only one that they love, care about, want to hold.

It kills me that I've never had that, even if I thought I did.

poor fools

2008-07-13T02:03:00.001-04:00

Clicking "Next Blog" on the task bar up top there is kind of interesting...

It's kind of like a glimpse into someone's life (sometimes 'private, sometimes not) that maybe you don't usually see or aren't "meant" to see.

I wonder, sometimes, if some poor fool hasn't stumbled over my blog, read an entry and been like, "What the fuck is wrong with this chick?"

good days

2008-07-07T20:22:00.000-04:00

The last two days for me have been amazingly... Calm.

I'm finally letting go of him without saying goodbye.

The only thing that irks me is Matt. I miss him - I really do. But I'm not going to chase him anymore... No matter how much I'd like to.

:/

answers

2008-06-30T04:39:00.001-04:00

After talking to Kiry (Jenn) about my situation, I know I need to leave him behind. I know I need to let him go and move on - there's other people out there better suited for me. I'm only eighteen and have a long time ahead of me before I need to find the person who I'll love for the rest of my life...

Even still, I can't help but wonder if he cares or has feelings for me anymore. Maybe that's just the question I need an answer to.

I guess we'll see.

trying to understand

2008-06-26T17:33:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if some sort of therapy, a psychiatrist or psychologist, wouldn't help me. Maybe they'd be able to help me understand and comes to terms with my issues and why I feel, so strongly and hugely without reason (I feel), I need to hold onto something and probably isn't even there anymore.

I want... To talk to him. About this. About what happened between us. I want to understand him maybe because I feel like, through that, I could somehow understand myself. I honestly wish I wasn't still so attached to him... He seems to have moved on (though I s'pose he could be putting on a face just like I am) and I wish I could do that too. I guess that's another dimension of the issue... I want him to feel the way I do. Or, even if not, I want to know how he feels. I'm sick of speculating on how he feels. I'm kind of getting mixed messages.

I really want to talk to him about it, even though I know I should at least wait if I bother to say anything at all. Then again, we spent a long time talking and he "has no obligations" to me anymore, what would keep him there listening? Part of me just doesn't feel like bothering him with it... Why dump my emotional burdens on him when he seems happy enough? Even if I alone couldn't make him happy, is it really my place to take away what happiness he has found, regardless of the circumstances?

I just... Want to find someone. I want someone who makes me a better person, a stronger person but at the same time, with a single stare, a kiss can make me weak at the knees. I want to love unconditionally, without reservations... Again.

I know that eventually, with or without him, I'll find someone who completes me. But it's hard to let go of someone who you are, and were for so long, convinced is pretty close to perfect for you.

I want to stop being tugged around; but I think it's mostly my issue. I'm letting it happen because I just want someone to care on a level other than friendship.

I still have strong feelings for Matt, too, which is another reason I'm not telling Diego anything. Matt right now, however, is being a bit... Childish in the way he wants to conduct the relationship. It's almost like he wants the power without the responsibility. When things go wrong suddenly it's my fault, no matter what I say. I love him to death, but I can't and refuse to be in a relationship like that.

Basically: I don't know. I don't know anything. And I hate it.

It scares me.

aching

2008-06-26T01:58:00.004-04:00

That goodbye was neither sweet nor bitter. It was... Normal, I guess. For friends, anyways.

The "another day" and "soon" seemed... Almost comical. I know he's not trying to poke at my feelings - hell, he doesn't even know what I feel - but it almost feels that way. He acts like there was nothing between us ever, and maybe it's best this way - I'm sure it is, right? Especially because he has another girl now.

I wanted him to... I don't know. To be emotional. I wanted him to pour himself out to me like I feel like doing with him. Maybe, though, he's biting his tongue just like I am. Instead it's "I'll see you soon, night night." That's all I get. I wanted to hear, "I missed this. Talking to you, that is... Roleplaying with you. I missed it. I missed you..." But there wasn't even a trace.

I guess I'm just being unreasonable.

I keep telling myself I need to wait - not to tell him anything about how I'm feeling until later and things have settled. I need to really understand myself in this whole situation. I also really have to decide what I want. Maybe in the coming weeks - depending on how things go, how often we talk, what happens between us - my feelings will change completely.

If not, I feel like I need to tell him. I need him to know. If he tells me that it's a lost cause, that he's not feeling the same way, then I'll leave it alone and not pick it up - I'll cry for a few days, want to drown myself in ice cream and chocolate, but I'll come out of it refreshed, relieved in a way, I hope. In some ways I want closure - I either want him to tell me that there is no chance in hell that we're going anywhere and that he's happy with his new life or I want to try to work through things... But who even knows. I don't even know.

I think a lot of this has to do with how new it is - tonight was only my second time talking to him. [[ btw - I do find in RPing with him... It's like I can forget who we are and invest myself in the characters, but the minute he starts trying to converse with me I break down and am a mess even though the outward face I give him is all flowers and bunny rabbits]] I need to relax, let things settle for a while. It also, I'm sure, has to do with the current state of things between Matt and I - the whole "not talking" thing kind of puts a damper on that whole situation [ Then again I am oddly calm about that situation...]

But my heart is screaming, "TELL HIM! ASK HIM! FIND OUT HOW HE FEELS!"

Well you know what? I know I can't do that right now, it's not a good idea, so...

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Damnit.

[[Addendum: I know I need to move on. Some part of my 'rational conscious' (if there is such a thing) is telling me that I couldn't be with him even if he still had feelings for me. There's too much pain, guilt, fighting, tears, heartache there... Right? I'd like to think, in some sort idealic world, that these things would make our relationship, our connection stronger... But I'm not sure I believe that. I don't know what I want aside from the fact that I want someone to love me - me and only me. I want someone to go to, like I used to go to him, someone to confide in. My heart hurts in a way I've never felt before. He was many of my relationship "firsts", maybe that's why it's so hard to let go of... My first true love. It all drives me crazy; will I ever be able to let go of this, with or without him? Will I be able to love somebody else and not think about him? Sometimes I wonder, and it hurts. I wish I could just stop myself. I'm tired of fighting with my heart. Sometimes I wish he was just a complete bastard so I would have a reason to hate him. That would just make things so much easier, it seems... At least in my head.]]

"Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel, stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with 'whatever happens, happens'."

got a plan

2008-06-25T16:57:00.000-04:00

I've got a 'game plan' of sorts.

Now, if I could stick to it that would be both a miracle and awesome.

Just gotta keep reminding myself it's the best thing to do.

looking up

2008-06-24T22:01:00.003-04:00

Good books? Check.
Erin time? Check.

Also: Having a better sense of what the FUCK is going on in my life? Check.

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil."

S'amazing how just talking to someone seems to make things that much better. Nothing was legitimately resolved (how could it be?), but I have a better sense of what's going on and what I need to do. I've resolved to become friends with him, at the very least - whether or not I'm going to tell him that I may or may not have feelings for him is yet to be decided. I think what is going to happen is that I will tell him I want to roleplay, maybe come up with something completely different - something new and exciting - and just be friends. I need a roleplay, with him, sans the romance for right now. I need the creative outlet of roleplay without having to tug at my heart strings in knowing that our characters are in love, but we're not. Maybe later. Perhaps, even, all of this will make him truly realize what he's left behind. I don't even know if I want that to happen. I still really care for him, and while saying I still love him is a stretch, he means a lot. I've told him things I've never told anyone in my life. He knows things about me that I'm not sure anyone else does. Sometimes I think we were so emotionally attached that it was actually toxic to us - but I look back on all the time we spent together and it is often that I was smiling over crying. He's a good guy, he just did bad things. Everyone deserves forgiveness, pending a genuine change, and he should be no different. I do not blame him for my emotional distress right now - I'm doing this to myself, all this thinking and whatnot, and I'll take responsibility for that.

Speaking of taking responsibility for things, I know someone who isn't. This other boy and I are not playing nice anymore - we're not getting along. I feel as if though he is being childish, selfish, and uncooperative. He wants to be with me but not hear from me - he wants me to love him unconditionally but hasn't forgiven me for what happened. I made every effort to see him this past weekend. I've tried as hard as I can and I'm not going to chase after him anymore - I'm done.

As for what exactly I'm going to do about him... I don't know. I'm just not going to talk to him until he decides exactly what his deal is and contacts me, if he so chooses.

I'm amazingly calm about all of this. It's like I've finally realized that I need to just... Let things take their course. I can't chase him anymore and I won't...

"I'm not going to stress over you anymore - It isn't worth it. I tried to work something out but you just ignored it. I'm not saying I don't want you because I definitely do; I'm just done chasing after you..."

books

2008-06-22T17:56:00.002-04:00

I want to read a good book.

I think that I'll have to have my Mom take out shopping this week (my favorite store, Lane Bryant, is having a sale) and I'll have to find a good one. Or maybe I'll order some...

I'm thinking about reading "Twilight" - it's a sensation these days. Or so it seems.

Or maybe "He's Just Not That Into You", seems like a good one too.

This reminds me that I should email my professors and see if I can't find my textbooks online for cheap. Hmm.

Oh life

2008-06-21T22:40:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many times in the last few days I've said the phrase "oh life". It's just so fitting.

Matt and I got into a fight on Monday afternoon and haven't really spoken since. I tried to get him to talk to me last night, or at least tell me if we were still seeing each other on Saturday, but he didn't answer me. I had called him late last night [Friday] to tell him when my roommate and I would be where we had planned to meet up. We stood outside the movie theatre for a little while, waiting to see him, I looked for him on the street, on the subway... But he was nowhere to be found. I hoped he would maybe suprise me and show up... But I guess I gave him too much credit.

I'm so frustrated with him. He wants to sugar-coat everthing, pretend like he's forgotten what I did to him and what happened between us. He said he "let it all go" and got back with me like nothing and that I can't get upset with him. This I don't understand. Aside from me not believing that he actually forgave everything, for him to tell me that I can't get upset with him is just him being a brat. If he was really over everything that happened he wouldn't be using it as a weapon.

Another things is that I've changed, I guess. But so has he - and I'm not certain I'm as much in love with who he's become as who he used to be. I loved how he used to be - and he blames this change on me. Fine, whatever, maybe it was partly my fault; but if he's honest with himself he'll take partial responsibility for it too. He's become cold and distant, unresponsive and lethargic. He is still a great guy with a big heart - but I wonder if I'm any good for him. You shouldn't change who you are for anyone or as a result of anyone. I want him to go back to the way he was before - the person I remember from almost five years ago now - and I know it's still in him. On occasion I'll hear it or see it from him, but it's like the changing of the seasons. One day he's sweet and lovable and the next it seems like even talking to him is like pulling teeth.

As my friend Kelsey said, "You tried hard this time - he can't ever blame you again." And I think she's right. I tried everything I could to make him happy - I came to visit him, made plans to see him for Christ's sake. I am, right this second, all of fifteen or twenty minutes from him... And he purposefully missed his chance.

I told him that when he was ready to take the leap of faith he should contact me... He needs to realize that I'm there to catch him. But this time he's really dug himself into a hole. I refuse to go through this relationship and not say how I feel. Him and I have a long way to go... But who knows now. I'm apparently not worth his time, so he's not worth mine either.

Oh life.

one of them

2008-06-17T12:46:00.002-04:00

I wish I was one of those people who could just say, and believe, "Things will work themselves out. Just step back and relax - go with the flow."

But I can't.

Annnnnnnd I hate it.

I just want to be happy, damnit. I just want to be happy.

tears...

2008-06-15T14:16:00.004-04:00

Second post of the day...

He's not being cold, I'm just... Over analyzing, trying to protect myself. I kind of wish he was being cold - I'd have a reason to feel this way.

It might not be too hard to be friends with him. We've decided to 'take it slow' (after a bit of a heart-to-heart) and see how things go. Neither one of us is going to push it; we're on speaking terms now anyways and that's a good start. Things won't ever be the way they were before, but that's probably good. Even though, somewhere inside of me, I kind of feel that's what I want. I spent a long, long time with Diego - I feel like he may know more about me than I know about myself. And that's hard to let go of. But, to be honest, I think maybe talking to him was the first step in trying. Piece by piece I'll let it go. Slowly, very slowly...

Ever think that you can be too attached to someone? I think that's what happened with Diego. I got so emotionally invested with him, so wrapped in my dreams that reality seemed... Unreal. I'm with a guy now who, while I know he loves me, doesn't show it as often, doesn't display it like Diego did. And, perhaps, this is good. I miss it, for sure - I miss the comfort, all of that - but it's good. It'll help me stand on my own two feet which I'm realizing with each coming day that I have to do more and more. Relying on others is nice, but relying on yourself is important too.

I'm trying to be strong here, but all I really want to do is cry. And this is the worst kind of sadness - Sadness that you're unsure about, that you can't explain. You can't tell anybody because all you feel is this relentless tug on your heart strings and you feel like no one would understand.

No one would understand because you don't either.

expectations...

2008-06-15T12:23:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure what I expected.

I don't know what I wanted to happen.

But somehow I don't think it was this.

I can't believe how much this hurts; how badly it feels to know this stuff.

I can't believe this. I don't know what to do.

I feel sick to my stomach and somehow slightly relieved.

I think I wanted him to say he still cared about me. That somehow, through this, I mattered to him. Even though nothing would have come out of it, it would have been a comfort.

But he seems colder now. Or maybe it's just me trying to protect myself.

He's met someone else - and that hurts me to hear, to understand even though it's hypocritical since I have too. I want to ask him if he ever thought about me or anything, but I'm afraid - do I really want to know? Either way, what would that information do for me? He's moved on in many senses it seems and we won't EVER be back to the way things were - or even close. And maybe that's good.

Maybe it's for the better - it has to be.

I hope he finds happiness with this new girl and I hope she understands she's really found a good guy. Despite our past I still care for him as foolish as it may be.

All I can hope now is that next week goes really well. If it doesn't, I'm in for a heapload of emotional trouble.

something new...

2008-06-10T20:51:00.002-04:00

I really, really, really want to write a story right now.

Really, really.

But I don't have any cohesive ideas...

I guess it's my craving to RP. I haven't RPed in months seeing as Diego was basically my only RP partner... I miss that.

Soon, perhaps.

sometimes

2008-06-01T23:40:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I think too much. Wonder too much. Play theoreticals in my head too much.

And sometimes I miss things I don't even want to think about.

I don't want to think about how good he was to me when he was good to me - I don't want to remember that we were happy once. I don't want to know that he might still love me, care for me, want to hold me. I don't want to think about what could have been, what would have been if I'd just not been so nosey. I don't want to think about how this all makes me feel, about this gut-wrenching feeling I have inside of me right now. I don't want to remember the cute way he used to smile at me, the way he looked when he said 'I love you'. I don't want to remember what the first kiss felt like, tasted like... Was like. I don't want to remember being in his arms, feeling his warmth, having him hold me. I don't want to remember being happy, being loved...

... But I do.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish so badly I could just forget everything about him - good, bad, ugly, friendly, happy, sad, EVERYTHING. At least then I wouldn't have anything to compare this to.

I wish I could convince myself I don't love him, that I just shouldn't care about him anymore.

I debated for at least three hours today on whether or not I was going to contact Diego via WoW. He was on and so was I and I was so tempted... But I just couldn't do it. I'm scared that it's too late, that it's just not worth it - I'm also afraid to know that maybe he's not thinking about me. I feel like maybe he's moved on, that he never thinks about me and I'm being silly to keep him in my thoughts, but... I kind of want to be friends with him. I kind of want to talk to him. I miss having him around, especially on WoW where we enjoyed each other's company, he helped me, and I had someone to share my accomplishments with. I dinged 70 the other day, but didn't have anyone to tell, really - It was kind of sad. (Yeah, yeah, I'm a loser blahblahblah, whatever.)

Despite what he did, he's really not a bad guy... I mean, considering what I did, I'm not a bad person either. That being said, it's still hard to get over what he did.

I'm just tired of fighting with my mind over this - I wish I'd either just do it or just let it go and not contemplate it for five hours at a time.

Maybe I'll contact him on his birthday...

Matt... Is a great guy. I love him - I truly believe that - but this is hard. I'm tired of missing him so much. "It'll get better when you get to see him, this is only temporary..." I say to myself. But that's what I said when I was with Diego... For three years. And it didn't get any better; in fact, it got worse - obviously.

I'm scared.

But this feels so right and I can't bare to let it go - I've lost it too many times to voluntarily lose it again. Things will get better. They will - they have to.

feelin' alright

2008-05-29T00:23:00.002-04:00

Aside from my sometimes over-active imagination and terribly over-analytical perspective on some things, I think I'm doing alright now-a-days.

I'm looking for a job at the moment... I've filled out maybe 12 applications so far and I'm going to go fill out some more for places in Colonie Center mall tomorrow... The Shoe Depot, Express, New York & Co, etc. Basically anywhere. I just really want a job; it's hard going from having a busy schedule to having absolutely nothing to do - it was nice for a few days, for sure, but now it's just getting tedious. In addition I miss making my own money. I definitely have money saved up from my two jobs on campus, but I don't like spending money if I'm not making some at the same time. Not to mention I have a few things in the near future that I'm going to need a substantial amount of money for (train tickets to the city at some point in June, going to Canada with the Oswego crew in July, and books for next semester).

I'm again unhappy with the way I've been keeping up with my diet... It's really hard being home and trying to stay on track, actually. My Dad has a tendency to cook quick (allbeit good) things that don't have much nutritional value. While I try to watch my portions, it's hard because there isn't much to snack on - so I get hungry and end up eating something I shouldn't because it's there. It's just difficult; at school I had a whole salad bar and fruit bar to go after which was very nice as an option for lunch or dinner.

Happier news, though, me and a certain someone have been getting along swimmingly. This is also, however, where the whole overly-analytical portion comes in, though. If he doesn't respond to me, I get nervous that I've done something wrong, or I get angry at him - which, mind you, goes away the minute he calls me or whatever. It just sucks because I'm creating my own issues here - not once has he brought up our bad past, but I keep bringing it up for myself. It's like I'm walking on egg shells around him, but only because I'm doing it to myself which is frustrating. I care for him deeply and I really can't wait to go to the city in June (either the 13th or the 20th through to the following Sunday, most likely). I really have to talk to him about it; mostly because if I get a job I have to get the time off, he has to make sure he can actually be there to see me, and I have to arrange with my roommate to make sure that her parents are cool with me staying with them for at least a night that weekend. Because, after all, I want to do this in a safe way - I'm very excited to meet him, but also kind of nervous and scared. While I do plan to spend at least one night with him, I want to have another place to go as well. All I can do is hope it will all work out, though... It will cost me between 70 and 100 dollars to take a train to Penn station, not including the cab or what have you to my roommate's house and then whatever transportation and food and whatever around and in the city. All that aside, though, I'm very excited to go meet him - and to see Liza!

I still haven't talked to Diego. I have, however, renewed my subscription to WoW just recently and will be playing again, at least for two months. It's hard going back to it (especially an established character) after being away for so long. That said, I don't know if me subscribing will change how I feel about contacting Diego. I really want to, mostly out of curiosity, but I'm very hesitant. Very, very hesitant.

cheese with that wine?

2008-05-18T02:59:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about IMing my ex boyfriend. Not because I want to be with him, I'm just curious as to what he's up to and all that. Regardless of what's happened between us, I still care for him on some (somewhat ridiculous?) level. We've been through a lot together and as much as I'd like to say I hate him, I can't. I don't know whether I will or not - something doesn't feel right about it. Something about it is awkward and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to go through the whole awkward "Hi, how are you? Good? Good... That's great, yeah, I've been busy and all that..." Some part of me misses him, too. I miss his voice and just the way he treated me - I miss feeling loved by someone who wasn't just your friend, by someone who wasn't your family. Love is love in some senses, sure, but at the same time, being loved by a significant other is different... I dunno, maybe I'm being overly sentimental. Who knows. I haven't spoken to him in two months, I know I can survive, but curiosity has got me wrapped around it's cute little finger.

I'm talking to Matt again... Sorta. I mean he IMed me and we're on speaking terms, but things just aren't the same... Not that, I guess, I should have expected them to be. Things are good one day ( he makes me happy, makes me smile, actually wants to talk) and kinda bad the next day (he isn't necessarily mean but he doesn't go out of his way to say nice things). I guess I'm expecting too much from him - seeing as what's happened between us, it's only fair that all this happens on his terms, in his time. At the same time, though, he's sending mixed signals - one of the first things he said to me was kind of forward and now he's just pulling away from all of that. I've kind of resolved to let him come to me in his own way, but... I don't know. At this point I really want to say something to him, to have a serious conversation with him. I need to tell him that I can't do this by myself; that I understand I've hurt him and I've said "I'm sorry" in as many ways, as many times as I know how. And, as far as what's gone on between us, he needs to be able to let me in to enable us to fix it, to make it better if he really wants this to work.

I know he's hurt, I know I've done that... But I don't deserve to be treated like this. I don't deserve to feel like this everyday; to be confused and feel as if something is wrong because he can't seem to make up his mind about how he feels about me and how he wants to treat me. There isn't anyone else I'm really interested in, but I don't want to wait for someone that isn't willing to go halfway with me. I'm sick of waiting on other people for things, to be honest; I did it a lot throughout my last relationship and I really don't want to do it with another one. I'm willing to give my all, to commit to this, but only if he is. I can't do this if he's not willing to help me out here.

I think part of my issue is I expect things to go quickly; I want instant gratification, even if I can't have it. I want quick response, quick recovery... I've been trying to let go, but he's not even responding to that, it seems. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Other than that, I'm home finally and with mixed feelings. I miss my college friends - I miss college in general. The freedom that there was, having someone around and something to do. I don't really miss the work, but. Still, it was nice - I'm certain life here will get better once I can get out of the house and hang out with some people. I'm also nervous for next year - I'll be a RA, which is a big responsibility, and while I'm excited, I'm also nervous about it.

At the end of the day... I sometimes feel like all I do is whine and pitty myself over things I shouldn't be. But who doesn't do that sometimes?

I think I need to have that talk with Matt... It's just driving me crazy not to. Whether or not I'm going to talk to Diego will have to be decided after.

There's time. That's all I have to tell myself... You've got some time.

this is almost disgusting

2008-04-28T10:52:00.002-04:00

First: Post number 175!

Second: I am almost disgustingly happy right now. I say disgustingly because I'm not sure I've been this truly happy in a while and I know it's bound to come crashing down at some point in the future. But, for now, I'm happy. Very, very happy.

Maybe more on that later. Maybe not. I think that I should probably just let it settle for a while, let it figure itself out before I go getting *too* excited. Things have a tendency to work better that way...

Third: I think I'm getting my nose pierced on Saturday or Sunday. I've been thinking about it for a while and now seems a good a time as any, so. xD Sweet! Also, I think I'm getting acrylic nails when I go home... I am have a frustrating time with my own and they just seem like a better option. And they're pretty. The end.

Fourth: Last two weeks of class before finals! Thank the Gods.

Fifth: I have to walk over to the other side of campus (and when I say other side, I really mean it - as in where I am now and where I have to go are complete poles of the campus) tonight at 9:30 and back here around 11:00 because of a "Meet & Greet" staff thing for Oneida hall next semester. Oh joy.

Sixth: I'm still happy. =)

This is hard

2008-04-23T17:53:00.004-04:00

I don't know.

BLAH.

I just... Blah.

I hate my body, I hate this feeling, I hatehatehatehatehatehate... I don't know.

I feel really gross right now, like I ate too much. I hate my eating habits lately. It's like all I'm doing is undoing what good I did in the beginning of the year. I'm just stressed out and too lazy to give enough to make the effort. I want to do this, I want to be smaller, I want to lose weight, and at the same time... Why? What the fuck does it matter? I don't want to have to eat salad every day all day for the rest of my life. I don't want to be afraid of my own binges because I have a hard time controling myself.

Maybe it's just all the changes that have been happening lately and the fact that it's so close to the end of the year and that's why I'm starting to stress out. I still eat relatively well as compared to how I used to, and I certainly can't eat as much, but I still... I still feel like I'm failing somehow. I wish I didn't have this sort of relationship to food. I wish I wasn't an emotional eater.

I eat when I'm bored, when I'm stressed, even if I'm not really hungry... I screw up and eat one thing throughout the day wrong and just give up for that day and finish off the day feeling icky 'cause I ate more "bad" things. Maybe that's part of the issues. I'm labeling things as "bad" or "can't eat that" and therefore they become all I can think about. I need to reassess my diet here, I think. But it's hard. I can do it, I've done it before... But it's hard. It's also difficult because I'm not working out anymore, really. I mean I walk everywhere I can, but I stopped going to the gym. I'm embarrassed to use my videos because I don't want my roommate to walk in on me doing that... Silly, I know, but it's true.

Some days I'm better at this than others. This is not one of those days.

never sure what I want

2008-04-17T13:24:00.004-04:00

It's true. I'm hardly ever sure what I want, what I want to do...

Diego is online right now. I know he's online talking to her, RPing and whatever with her. I know he is... And I don't know if it's jealously or me actually wanting to talk to him again that makes me want to IM him. I haven't spoken to him in five weeks... 35 days without him. I know I can survive without him and in the back of my head I keep telling myself that if I don't give up on him he won't ever change. If I don't ignore him I'm going to get held back, I'll be stuck...

But part of me wants to prove that he doesn't have that hold on me anymore. That he can't keep me chained up, that I can resist this time. I'm so scared that I won't be able to, though... That I'll get caught up in old feelings, in tired pasts. I feel like being sick right now. I tell myself that everything he said was fake... That everything he ever told me was tainted with lies, even if he doesn't see it that way. Maybe I'm being selfish, but part of me wants to know if he still loves me. If I really had such an impact on someone that they can not talk to me for so long and still love me. I'm so scared of being alone sometimes that I think about going back to him... And what scares me about talking to him now is that he'll take that to his advantage, play with it, hold onto it and cradle me until I give in again.

I want so badly to be held. What little experience I have with it has left me tired and weak even as my imagination runs wild with possibilities. I want to give up sometimes - I want to just not doing anything, just stop caring. I'm sick of fighting myself, of holding onto this sick and twisted past. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go somewhere where none of this can follow me around. I wanna be able to smile and mean it all the time, I want to be able to look at another person one day and say "I love you" and mean it with all of my heart, without regrets, without thinking about what could have been with someone else.

I miss simple things that most couples take for granted but that I had to savor... I miss the anticipation of seeing him, I miss the feeling of someone touching me the way he could. I'll feel the sun on my face some days and if I close my eyes I pretend it's him, laying his cheek softly against mine, holding me in his arms until everything is "okie". Thing is... I never really knew that. But my imagination holds onto what could have been... What could have been with either of them and it's killing me. I just want someone to hold me, God damnit. I want a hug, I want to feel loved again... I don't want my heart to forget what that feels like, for my emotions to get so cold that I can't share them freely. I don't want to not trust people, even myself, for holding my heart.

I spend my days keeping myself busy to ignore what feelings I think I have towards them, holding back tears and anger so I can maybe lead a normal life. And it's true, sometimes I can go days without thinking about them. I sometimes spend my nights wishing I had someone beside me.

Someone. Not necessarily Diego, not necessarily Matt, anymore. Someone. And maybe that's what scares me the most about attempting to talk to Diego. That I'm still somewhat vulnerable and if I try to talk to him I'd fall back into his arms somehow. And as much as I miss being in love, it's not healthy. I can't go back to him.

He's gone now, though. Offline. My WoW subscription ran out and since it's almost finals and I don't have enough money/interest to pay for another month, I'm letting it go unused for now (one less way for me to contemplate talking to him). He only gets online one every so often, maybe once a week.

I'm afraid of the summer. I'm afraid I'm going to get so lonely that I'll go back to him... Maybe by then I'll feel better, I'll know how to deal with it better... It's only 4 weeks away.

I haven't cried about this in a while. Maybe it was time...

I thought I knew you, old friend...

2008-04-14T10:56:00.001-04:00

I don't actually know what's up with the title of this post. Maybe it's because I've been feeling particularly self-reflective in the last few days, I don't know.

I could be doing something so much more productive (AKA: school-related work) right now than blogging, but... Who does that anyway? Losarz!

So... For the second time in my life this weekend I drank. Not to excess and I certainly wasn't drunk, but I was tipsy. It's fun, you know... A nice atmosphere at the club we go to. Completely legal too - and I'm with a bunch of friends from college so I feel safe and it's always great fun. I had only a half a shot more alcohol than last time - I tried tequila. It was interesting. Burns a bit going down, but. Whatevs. Good to try. Decided that I like Sex on the Beach, Screwdrivers, and Amaretto Sours.

But anyways, this weekend consisted of six girls (me, Kelsey, Liza, Ashley, Sarah and Shatawndra) and three of the boys (Cliff, Aaron and Jimmy P) from our wing. It was a good time for the most part, except the feeling nauseous in the car on the way there and back. Long car rides with little leg room are never fun, though.

In other news, things have been going pretty well. I saw my adviser last Thursday and he told me what classes I should try to get into. It's going to be a bitch trying to make it into classes, though, considering that I'm competing with people that get to register before me for classes I need to be taking. I register on the 22nd of April at 1:00PM, so. I have to makesure that I have all the numbers and I have to make up another (alternate) mock schedule if I don't get into one (or more) of the classes I'm supposed to take. The only one, right now, that it might be hard for me to get into is a history class I want to take (it's also a Gen Ed) but that's not all that important... I mean, it is, but I can take another Gen Ed there or just give myself a break (I'm going to have a very full schedule). As of right now here's my 'ideal' schedule:

MONDAY
Chem 331 (Orgo 1) 9:10-10:05 (4 Credits)
Zoology 330 (Invertebrate Zoo) 10:20-11:15 (4 Credits)
Chem 331 LAB (Orgo 1 Lab) 1:50-4:50 (0 Credits)

TUESDAY
Bio 315 (Genetics) 11:10-12:30 (3 Credits)
CPS 301 (RA/RM course, half semester) 2:20-3:40 (1 Credit)
Zoology 330 LAB (Invertebrate Zoo Lab) 6:00-9:00 (0 Credits)

WEDNESDAY
Chem 331 (Orgo 1) 9:10-10:05
Zoology 330 (Invertebrate Zoo) 10:20-11:15
Bio 315 LAB (Genetics Lab) 1:50-4:50 (1 Credit)

THURSDAY
Bio 315 (Genetics) 11:10-12:30
CPS 301 (RA/RM course, half semester) 2:20-3:40
English 390 (Native Americans in Film) 5:30-8:10 (3 Credits)

FRIDAY
Chem 331 (Orgo 1) 9:10-10:05
Zoology 330 (Invertebrate Zoo) 10:20-11:15

As you can see, my only reprieve is that I don't have class until 11:10 on T/Th and class ends at 11:15 for me on Friday... CPS is only a half semester too, so that'll be done with and I'll have extra time. It's going to suck to have three labs, though... And to be in class until 9ish (I'll probably get out early most days) on Tuesdays, but. I gotta do it. If I can't get into that History 314 class (Ancient Greece) I might just not take something... I'll be taking 19 credits if I do get into something and being that class gives me 15 minutes to make it from one side of campus to the other. While not impossible it's difficult, especially when it's cold. Not to mention 19 credits is a lot, so I dunno what I'm going to do. We'll see, I guess.

I have class again soon. Today's a busy day... Not looking forward to the end of it, either. After work I've got to get to the library (or try to do research from here on the databases) about Indian Women in the Revolutionary War. Yay.

Time to go be relatively productive.

Just keep chuggin'

2008-04-08T10:24:00.000-04:00

So as I said before, things in my life are rollin' along despite my tendency to look in the past. I've gotten better with that, though. I still find myself thinking of Matt on ocassion... Like yesterday I wondered what it'd be like to be in his arms and last night I wondered what it'd feel like to sleep next to him. I really do miss him and I'm ashamed that I missed my chance, but... I guess it was supposed to be this way. Day by day, I s'pose, I miss them (both of them) less, but I'll never forget them.

"They say it takes a minute to meet a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire life time to forget them."

I still haven't talked to either of them yet... Still haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, either. I'm just kind of letting time take it's course and going with it... Trying to, anyways.

Next year I will be a RA on the other side of campus... This is the job I wanted all year, just not the location. But... Who knows. Maybe it'll be a good thing. Maybe it'll be fun. My friend Cliff got placed over there too, so I'll know someone and we'll be able to work together. Yay! The whole idea of going over there and being a RA is kind of intimidating... Maybe it's because I have to move out and I feel like I'll be away from a lot of my friends, I don't know... Maybe it's that I'll have to try to be authoritative with people older than me. I'm just hoping it won't be that hard...

I haven't talked to Diego yet... I dunno that I will. I just... I don't miss him that much and I'm still kind of... Upset with him. Matt hasn't talked to me either which indicates to me that he won't... Ever. That's alright, I guess... I can't do anything about it and I'm not going to push it. He deserves his peace as much as I deserve mine (do you know how weird it is to be on both sides of this coin? AWKWARD!).

In happier news... Liza and I got a pet on Sunday. It's a little dwarf hamster... Her name is Fiona because my friend Shatawndra kept yelling at her to turn into a cat. (Get it? Fiona from Shrek turns into an ogre... My excuse for my hamster not turning into a cat is that she's already had her true love's first kiss and so she'll stay a hamster. :P) Everyone wants a cat on the floor (well, maybe not everyone, but a lot of people) but obviously we can't have one. I'll be taking Fiona home with me over the summer and back to school in the fall so I don't get lonely in my single room.

Oh, right... Did I mention that I get a single room paid for by the school? Sweet, right? In addition I don't have to pay for my phone or my internet and they also pay for half of my board (meal plan). This cuts my school bills in half, at least. I'll still have to take out loans, but I have grants and a scholarship, so. It's still great.

Classes and things are going pretty well... I'm a bit behind on math homework but that's easy, chem is getting tougher but I think if I study well enough tonight I should be fine for my test tomorrow. Everything else is relatively easy as well, I just know it's going to get more tough as all these projects I'm being handed are due and finals start getting closer and closer.

It's so weird to think that we have only a few more weeks (5?) before the end of the year and it's time to move out. It's kind of intimidating and scary... Once we leave Johnson things will never be the same. I mean, I'm sure I'll still have contact and still hang out with people but it just won't be the same. I'm somewhat looking forward to the new experience (especially having my own room... I like my roommate and all, but her boyfriend is getting on my nerves a bit...) and meeting new people... I just hope that everyone that I'm friend's with now still hangs out. I kinda don't want to go home... I don't necessarily want to stay here for the summer, but I don't necessarily want to go home.

As I've said in previous posts, home isn't so much a comfort anymore as it is a short of prison. Not because of my parents - though I'm sure they are bound to get on my nerves now that I have a taste of 'freedom' - but because of Matt and Diego. Hopefully by the time I go home I don't think about them as much and I'll be able to handle being home better.

In any case, I've got class soon. Oh joy...

Retracing the Steps...

2008-03-28T13:05:00.002-04:00

"Well it's all so overrated in not saying how you feel. So you end up watching chances fade and wondering what's real..."

It's tempting to say the least to just spout off about what's been going on lately... Tell the whole story again, relive it. But what good would that do? To say I'm finally healing might be a stretch, but... I'm coming close. All things considered I'm doing fine, I guess. Things in my life are rolling on despite my tendency to look into the past. Being at home seems to remind me of both of them... I sit her at my desk and occasionally I'll swear that out of the corner of my eye I can see him sitting at the other desk like he was still here, like we were still happy. I sometimes think that he'll get out of the shower and he'll be the first thing I really see when I wake up... It's like summer never ended, like he lingers here. Matt's here too somehow... Occassionally the phone will ring and my heart will stop, wondering if it's him... I'll lay down in bed and think about how we used to spend hours on the phone together... I remember the comfort I had when he fell asleep and I would just listen to him breathe. It's amazing what kind of comfort is brought when you just know that someone else is alive, someone else is breathing... I hate that I've lost that comfort. Being home is no longer a comfort either because I'm haunted by both of these things... I sit at home alone most of the time (my friends have gone back to school) and all I have time to do is thinking. I'm tired and I just want to let go.

But at the same time... I guess this is for the best. I need time to be independent. If I've learned nothing else through this entire process it is that I'm a very dependent person. I enjoy being attached to someone... I think it's mainly because I'm so used to it. I was 'together' with Matt for a year when I was just getting into my teens... Almost a year later I got into an almost four year relationship with Diego that ended just two weeks ago officially. For almost six years I have been constantly attached to me and I think that somehow was defining who I was... It's how I described myself. I won't say I wasn't happy or it wasn't what I wanted because that's not true... But I'm not so sure it was healthy. It's going to be interesting not having to answer to anyone... To be able to do what I want to do because I want to do it, not because in the back of my mind I know it might bring us closer, because I think it might help our relationship. I think it'll be nice to be able to look AND touch for once (haha) and to be looked at without feeling guilty.

Yes, I miss them... Or, at least I kind of do. Being independent has it's strong points and it's weak points. I miss that comfort I received from being in love, from knowing that there was someone out there that cared so deeply for me. It is going to be very hard for me to go back to being single... It's been a very long time and since I've never really dated, it'll be difficult. I know what's got to happen is that I need to be on my own for a little while, that I can't go looking for someone to love me. If it happens it happens, but if it doesn't then that's okay too. What I want is to find someone, but... How am I supposed to trust them? To love them? To let them hold my heart in their hands? I'm so scared of being alone but I know that I'm the only person I trust with my heart right now. I'm tired of fighting my own emotions over this... I just want a freaking break.

"'cause you know that I love you and I have loved you all along..."

I contemplated IMing Matt again, but... He deserves to be left alone. I said my final peace and that's all I can do. I won't force him, I can't force him... There's no use in annoying him or pissing him off anymore than I already have. I still write to him occasionally, though, but I never send them. I'll type something up and save it somewhere on my computer so I have it... It's comforting to write out my feelings even if I don't send them. I was going to... But it's not fair. He wants me to leave him alone so I need to respect that. If he comes back one day, alright, but I won't be waiting for him. I'm not waiting for anyone anymore... I'm tired of waiting. I've spent the last four years waiting on other people, giving up opportunities and chances for another person's happiness. Granted that some of these things also served the purpose for me to be happy, too, but I still spent a lot of time waiting. Nights waiting for him to sign on, mornings when I could have been sleeping. Years waiting for him to just visit, days waiting for an email or a call when he was just visiting her, seeing her, talking to her and probably not giving a second thought to me.

You know, it's kind of funny... Michy and I get along pretty well given the circumstances. I just IMed her last night and we talked for a few hours... About what's going on in our lives, about games about how we're feeling. It's her birthday soon and I hope she has a great time... She's turning 21, so. Booze all the way, haha. She has talked to Diego since we confirmed what was going on... I haven't said a word to him. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I'm sad that I don't talk to him, but what part of me does he deserve? I'm not sure he even deserves the most minute part of my attention anymore. I don't think I would ever be able to have a romantic relationship with him but I'm afraid... I'm so scared to get close to him anymore. (and to that point I'm afraid to get close to anyone like that right now) I don't know if I'll just be able to have a conversation with him... How do you just be friends after what we've been through? I think, "Alright, it's just roleplaying. Nothing more." But... That was a majority of our relationship. It seemed that when we weren't actually roleplaying he would be talking about it... How do I allow our characters to be in love without completely falling over and curling up from the pain and memories it brings back? I shake my head at these thoughts and it's how I know I'm really not ready yet. As much as I want to (both out of jealousy and just genuine want), I can't. Not yet. Maybe next week, I tell myself. Maybe next month. Maybe after I'm done with this year. Maybe when things have finally settled for me...

"'cause I don't love you any less, but I can't love you anymore..."

This is still such an open wound. And being here, home, all alone has only kept it open. I've got no one here to really talk to... Yeah, I know I could talk to my Mom, but I really don't want to cry in front of her and it's still so painful that I can't help it. I also don't want her to worry about me. None of my friends are home, really, so I've got to wait until I go back to school... One of my best friends there, Kelsey, always seems willing to listen and she's a great person - I love her dearly. What I really want is a hug. I want a meaningful hug, just someone to hang onto. I want to cry and not feel guilty about it. I want someone to understand me. But no one does. I'm not even sure I understand myself.

I'm looking for comfort in the wrong places. I won't say where, but it's not the right place. But I don't know where else to turn... It's what I'm used to, it's familiar. Not comforting, but familiar. In addition to that I've been trying to distract myself with projects, work, movies, TV... All that stuff. I've learned to crochet and I hope to start a blanket soon. Back to other things...

I think too much. I get started on one small things sometimes and all of a sudden it turns into what I'm doing and what's going to happen to me for the rest of my life. I wonder sometimes if I had gone with my gut feeling the second time around... I knew something was wrong. I knew it was too good to be true. I wonder if I had left him and gone with Matt what I'd be like right now. But I can't, there's no point in wondering. What's done is done - Matt is gone and I have to deal with the choices I've made. In the end I can't regret what I've done. It's okay... I'll be okay.

"Everything is okay in the end... If it's not okay, it's not the end."

... Sounds like I've still got a journey ahead of me, then.

RIP, Heath

2008-01-22T18:04:00.000-05:00

RIP, Heath Ledger...

He was a great actor and I loved his movies... It's sad to see that such a young person dead, I was looking forward to seeing him other movies in the future.

:( Today is a sad day.

Changes

2008-01-20T14:37:00.000-05:00

Well then.

It's high time that I make changes in my life... From big to small and I think it's time for a lot of them.

1.) Get back on and stick with the diet. Due to being home I've been off and on my diet and this is neither good for me or for my resolve. So, when I get back to school, it's time to get back to eating right. Detox first when I get to school, though - gotta start there for a few days at least, if not a week. It's gonna be hard, but I gotta do it.

2.) Keep exercising. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, do situps/pilates before going to sleep at night as part of the nightly routine. Also, of course, a regular workout routine of some kinda... Getting back into the gym or using the DVDs I got for Christmas.

3.) Keep a nightly routine. Simply put: I suck at motivating myself to do things sometimes, even for the most simple of tasks. Brush my teeth, wash my face, do a bit of exercise/stretching, etc. Try to go to bed by about 11.

4.) Take care of my teeth. Brush once in the morning and once at night AT LEAST. Start flossing and maybe using mouthwash?

5.) Don't eat after 10. This kinda goes with the diet thing, but I think it should be separate for my own sanity... I gotta stop snacking late at night if I can help it... Unless it's fruit or something, no food after 10!

6.) Drink more water. At least two of my 24+ oz water bottles a day... Three would be better!

7.) Write in my blog. I'm going to start off trying at least once a week... I feel like I gotta start writing down how a feel and whatever; it really helps.

8.) Make lists. I've found lists really help me with things... Make lists of school assignments, chores, appointments, etc, of things that need to get done. Check them off as I go.

9.) Stop searching so hard for love. I'm stressing myself out and making myself while trying to look for love, trying to get him back... I don't know what else to do, what else to tell him, so it's time to let go. He knows how I feel, knows I'm interested and I can't do much more than that.

I thought there were more than that, but that seems to be all I can remember... Hmm. I'm sure I'll come up with more eventually, but for now this is what I got... It's a good start, I think. And doable, if I really pay attention.

Well, here's to that! ::clinks imaginary champagne glasses together::

Whoo!

2008-01-10T02:41:00.000-05:00

YAY! I made this layout. =) Or, at least, the images for it. The script was from another layout, the creator of such linked at the side.

Either way, I've made it my own. And it's nice. :D

New Layout?

2008-01-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

Alright... I think it's time for a new layout. I like the simplicity of this one but I feel like I really gotta get something new in here. I'd love to make my own, but I don't have any of my fonts OR brushes, so that really sucks...

Ugh.

Survey

2007-12-23T02:32:00.001-05:00

130 Random Questions

When was the last time you cried?: Just a few minutes ago.
Have you ever faked sick?: Yes.
What was the last lie you said?: "I can't love you anymore."
Have you ever cried during a movie?: All. The. Time.
Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?: John Stone.
Have you ever danced in the rain?: Yeah. It was awesome.
Have you ever been drunk?: Only a little.
Have you ever tried tried drugs?: No.
Do you smoke?: Nope.
What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?: I've never played an actual game of Truth or Dare.
What is your full name?: Shannon Renee W____
What is your blood-type?: I don't know. I should probably find out...
Have you ever been in a car accident?: No.
How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?: 18.
Who was your first kiss?: My now ex-boyfriend, Diego.
Have you ever had an online relationship?: Too many.
Have you ever had phone-sex?: Yep.
Have you ever been rejected by a crush?: Yes.
What is your favourite sport to play?: Volleyball.
Have you ever made a prank phone call?: I think so.
Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?: Yeah...
What's your favourite childhood memory?: I don't really remember that much...
Is there anything that you have done that you regret?: Oh yes.
What do you want to be when you grow up?: An animal handler/Zoo keeper
What is your political persuassion?: Liberal, generally.
Have you ever had cybersex?: Yep.
Do you believe in g-d?: No, not really.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: Yea
Do you believe in karma?: Mhmm.
Who was your first crush?: Matt
Who do yo uhave a crush on?: Matt
How would you describe yourself?: Prone to social anxiety especially surrounding food, friendly, smart, big-hearted, loved
What are you afraid of?: Losing him; being alone.
Are you religious?: No
What does your screen name mean?: I'm a "Jem" (Gem) of July, born on 7/17
What person do you trust the most?: My Mom
Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?: Matt
What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?: "I wish I could do that like you can."
What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?: Too many to mention.
What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?: Three years...
What is your greatest strength?: My ability to make people laugh.
What is your greatest weakness?: Getting in too deep to be able to get myself out.
What is your perfect pizza?: White, broccoli, mushrooms, garlic.
What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?: "Fuck..."
What is your first thought before you go to bed?: "I miss him..."
What college do you want to go to?: I am in college.
Do you get along with your family?: Generally speaking.
Do you play any instruments?: Trombone.
What kind of music do you like?: All different kinds.
Do you think you're attractive?: Sometimes.
Would you ever get a tattoo?: Yeah
How many piercings do you have?: Two; regular ear piercings.
Who makes you laugh?: Lots of people.
Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?: Matt.
Have you ever seen a dead body?: No
Do you have a celebrity crush?: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Heath Ledger...
What is one thing scientists should invent?: A way to heal a broken heart.
Have you ever broken a bone?: No
What happens after you die?: I'll find somewhere to go.
Do you watch or read the news?: Not really.
What stereotype would you label yourself as being?: Hopeless romantic
Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?: Yeah and I'm sure they'd have others to add.
If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?: Tesla
If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go: To when I told him, "I don't know anymore."
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?: My inability to express how I feel.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: Yeah
Have you ever played strip poker?: No
Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?: I think so
What do you want your friends to think about you?: I don't know, ask them.
Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?: Breaking up with him.
HAve you ever bitten someone?: No
When's your birthday?: 7/17/89
Have you ever stolen anything?: Yeah
Do you make wishes on shooting stars?: When I can.
Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?: Too much.
If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?: The day I lied to him.
Do you remember your dreams?: Sometimes.
Have you ever been in love?: Hardcore.
Are you a morning person or a night person?: I'm a midday person.
Do you have any phobias?: I don't think so.
What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?: Lie to them.
Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth?: Yeah
How many screen names do you have?: One for each major messenger
Do any medical problems run in your family?: Obesity
Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?: No
Have you ever had a nightmare?: Yeah
Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?: My enemies
Would you ever participate in a threesome?: Yeah
Would you ever pay for a prostititue?: No
Have you ever mooned or flashed someone?: No
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?: Yeah
Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: Almost
Have you ever written a love letter?: No
Have you ever attempted suicide?: Yeah
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: Boxers
Have you ever been in a fistfight?: No
Do you have any hidden talents?: I dunno, they're hidden.
What is one thing you want me to know about you?: That I love him.
What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask?: Why I love him.
Do you usually prefer books or movies?: Movies.
Who is your favourite person to talk to?: Matt
Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad?: Matt
Would you ever have sex before marriage?: Yeah
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: Ramon
Do you have a secret that yo'ure ashamed of?: Yeah, kinda.
Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?: Either.
Have you ever gotten detention?: Yeah
How do you vent your anger?: Throwing things, WoW.
Have you ever been on a diet?: Am on one.
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?: No - Yes.
Is your best friend a virgin?: I believe so.
What's a rumor someone has spread about you?: I liked that one kid... Dante.
What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing?: Well...
What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you?: Told me they couldn't love me anymore.
What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?: Loved me.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?: No
Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?: No
Have you ever wanted to murder someone?: Thought about it.
Have you ever hated someone?: Momentarily.
Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?: Usually the phone.
Do you consider yourself popular?: Vaguely.
Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?: Yeah
Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?: No
Have you ever had a crush on a best friend?: Yeah
What is your favourite book?: The DaVinci Code
Do you have a collection of anything?: Lots of things.
Are you happy with the person you are becoming?: Kind of.
Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?: Oh yeah.
What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?: Hopefully in his arms.
Are you happy with the life you have?: Sort of.

Take this survey | Find more surveys
Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

2007-12-10T23:58:00.001-05:00

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4079/234/1600/allofus.jpg

If that isn't a blast from the past, I don't know what the fuck is.

2007-12-10T22:35:00.001-05:00

If I were to tell you that life would never be as it was... That things would change; that I... That I have changed, what cause have you to believe me? None, you say. Correct. But that doesn't mean you can't... Simply that you won't.

And while I understand your pain, you must understand it was never intentional. Never once did I mean to inflict upon you the heartache I have now. Never once did I have in mind to bring upon you any of this. I tried to protect you, to make this better for the both of us... But it backfired. Backfired into small, discrete little pieces, which no one can piece back together.

And for that, I am sorry. I am not sorry for what I did, but for the outcome of what happened. Not that I was trying to protect you; no, because I had every good intention 0f doing that. I am sorry for the fact that it came out wrong. I am sorry for something I couldn't really control and more so I am sorry that I cannot fix it. I can't put those minuscule pieces of what we once had back together... Not alone.

And because I'm the only one here, crouched on the floor in the dark, putting back together those pieces, with you watching from three steps back, I'm sure I'm alone. The darkness becomes more haunting every day, and I'm sorry to say that I can't stand it anymore. I'm giving up, laying down my pieces and my glue... For what I've tried to do has done little to advance what were are towards what we had. I am open to this, to us, to you... But are you?

I understand if you are not. I understand if you can't bare to put your heart out on that line again... Lest it be broken like it has been already. But if you can't do that, and again I do not blame you, then I can't put mine there beside it.

Everything you say to me is like a test... Every word spoken from my lips is being scored. A lie or truth? Fiction or reality? I can't live like that and this seemingly toxic thing between us can't stay through it. I do not condemn or condone your choice to do what you're doing... Only wish that you would change it. And that is all I can do; wish. And it's what I shall do while kneeling here before you on the floor, slowly piecing back together something that will never again be whole.

Your fear has pushed me away... And while I do not blame you for having fear, I will no longer take responsibility if we lose each other. I will not be responsible for putting together those pieces alone.

2007-11-12T21:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if what I want is what is best for me. If what I'm doing is really the best choice. I wonder if pursuing this is okay, if it's a mistake, if it's too much work for what seems like such a little reward at this point...

2007-11-06T13:25:00.001-05:00

Just conversing with him seems so awkward now...

It's like I don't know what to say to him if I'm not in love.

I'm confused, and I hate it.

Knowing he's talking to her at the same time doesn't make it much better, either...

Part of me wishes he'd just dropped off the face of the Earth, part of me wants things to go back to how they were, before I knew.

And part of me wants something completely new, and completely different. I wish I could find someone to take interest in here... But it's just... Not going to happen.

I don't think I want him back, but I want that feeling...
I miss the loving embrace of another's arms, the warmth felt inside when all they had to say to you was three simple, little words... And suddenly you felt safe and happy, and life was good again. Nothing can compare to that, and I miss it...

2007-11-06T10:43:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if it was so wrong that I wanted (and still want) his heart to be all mine... I wonder if that's too selfish.

I thought I was okay with him talking to her... I thought I could handle it; but knowing that he is talking to her, sharing what I thought was so sacred to us, and possibly still has feelings for her, makes me want to gag and be sick and cry. All I wanted was for him to be mine... All mine. And I thought he was... But it turns out that he never was. I never had him completely, and that makes me wonder if I ever could. If I hadn't found out, would he had ended up with me? Would I be blissfully unaware of the things going on behind the scenes?

Either way, sometimes I wonder if I was just being selfish, or if I should have ever found out...

I want to talk to him, but I don't want to fall back into him. I don't want to be responsible for possibly hurting myself again by loving him... Taking him back. He makes me so angry because he's so complacent, but I can't be mad at him at the same time... I almost want things to go back to the way they were before. But was I really that happy?

I keep telling myself that a second time would be different - and he would have a lot of proving to do, trust to earn. He would have to make the effort to come see me more often, and I don't know how long that would take, if it would ever happen... I'd say we could wait until I have to go to FL, but she lives in FL and how do... How am I supposed to know if anything goes on?

I'm basically really confused, even though I thought I knew what I wanted...

2007-11-02T23:27:00.000-04:00

I feel like I want to be sick.
I feel like I want to cry and throw up and be happy and laugh and talk all at the same time. And it's killing me.

I want to talk to him. I want to talk to both of them. I want to explain to one of them how I feel, how I hurt, how much this sucks and how bad I want things to go back to they way they are. I want to continue to tell him that I'm confused, and while those sweet things he is telling me are nice, they are nearly meaningless to me now - how do I know he's not saying those things to her too? How do I know that "I'm the sunshine parting the clouds", that "I'm not just the other woman"?

And to the other... I want to apologize more. I want to let my heart bleed to him, if only he would let me... And I would let myself. I want him to understand that I thought the other was the one, that everything was alright when I made that decision... That pushing him away was something I thought I had to do; I didn't want my heart in two places at once, not knowing that the other already had that covered. I want another chance.

But I don't. I know I need time to live on my own, to stand on my own to feet... But it's not what I'm used to. I love being attached. And I'm afraid if I believe them, I'm going to fall back into someone's arms, and I'll never support myself... Especially his. How am I to know if he's telling the truth? How am I supposed to be friends with someone who lied to me so much? We need to talk this out. We need to talk. I need to talk... I need to tell him how I feel.

Tomorrow, I tell myself... Tomorrow, later...

Eventually.

2007-11-01T01:31:00.000-04:00

Something I've realized in the last few days: It's nice, now, to be able to look AND touch; not just look. And for that matter, it's nice to be looked at.

Very nice indeed.

2007-10-27T21:40:00.000-04:00

This weekend has so far gone much better than the last... Then again, I don't know how this weekend could be worse than last weekend.

... Yeah, I do. But nevermind that.

Thing is, this whole week has been a process of "I feel like I should cry, but I don't want to... I can't." If I sit down an think about it I'm sure I could. But do I want to? Part of me kind of does... If only because crying sometimes makes me feel better. And part of me knows I shouldn't, because he doesn't deserve one more of my damned tears. But... How can I 'let go' of a three year relationship so fast? I mean, I guess I haven't completely let it go... I can still get teary, I still feel sad... There are plenty of things that still make me think about him.

The worst part of this is probably not being able to talk to him. That, and me knowing I can't hate him. I want so badly to just say " I hate him" and leave it at that, but I *don't* hate him. Maybe it has something to do with what I've done in my past, but I don't hate him - I still care about him somewhere deep inside. While I may never be able to trust him again, and another try at a serious relationship between the two of us is quite nearly out of the question, I still kind of want to be friends. And, at the same time, I want nothing to do with him. I'm afraid to fall for him again, I'm afraid to lose control and end up hurting myself...

Maybe I'm underestimating my strength here... Maybe I'm being too scared. There are other things I'm afraid of too, for that matter. Matt came back to talk to me a few months back, and I talked to him - I talked to him a lot. But in the weeks before Diego came to visit, I pushed him away on purpose because I thought Diego was somehow "the one", and I didn't want to mess that up by having my heart in two places at once. I kind of want to talk to Matt again, tell him I'm sorry and that I know what I did to him hurt, since I now know what it feels like; except on a larger scale. I want to be friends with him again, but I'm afraid that he will take this as me wanting to be with him. He's a wonderful guy, and I'd date him, but... It's just not right. Everything that has happened between us, I feel, may cause too much of a pressure in our relationship... It would cause a lot of things to go unsaid and feelings to be pushed aside to build up. I'm afraid of doing another online relationship, and even more I'm afraid to trust my heart with anyone else... At least for a while. I'm afraid of meeting him if we were to get together, I'm afraid of my parents finding out... Because I was never supposed to talk to him again, really. They cut me off in the first place... What would they do if they found out that he was talking to me again? It's not my fault that it's that way, granted... HE was the one that contacted me, but I didn't have to respond... Did I? I feel like I owe him so much... And he owes me nothing.

I haven't talked to him since I got here, and I'm afraid that me talking to him now will just open up a slowly-closing wound. At the same time, I think he may appreciate me talking to him and telling him about it, as well as another, very sincere, apology. All in all, I'm very confused and have no idea what I want or what to do.

I want a hug, and I want my cats. I want my friends, and I want to be wrapped in that sweet seduction of love...

2007-10-23T13:16:00.000-04:00

So... Now seems like a great time to do a nice, lengthy post, seeing as I know I'm not going to get any work done in the next ~40 minutes before my chem lab, I feel like typing, and it's about time I wrote all this down somewhere... Writing is good for the soul. In most cases.

Anyways.

So... This past Friday I had off from classes because it was "Fall Break Weekend"... Almost everybody in my hall went home or went to visit a friend, but I had to work on Saturday... So for me that was a no-go. So I stayed here, planning to get a lot of back-reading done... Yeah.

Friday rolls around, and I get up kinda late, and decide I want to watch a movie... So I get Titanic and hunker down on Liza's bed with my water bottle, a little snack, and the remote. I finish that, and the ending ALWAYS makes me cry - never fails. Now, I should also note that I was sick AND it was that time of the month; so I was kind of miserable already, not to mention in deprivation of human contact, especially from a certain someone... Hadn't talked to him in at least 2 weeks ( this coming Thursday will make for 3 or so ). So, here I was crying and upset, and I began to think.

So... I'm crying, I'm upset, I'm sick... But I pull myself out of it. Decide to do something else... So I went to dinner with everyone, did some homework, went to bed. Not exciting.

Then, for whatever reason, I decided to watch Titanic again on Saturday... So again I start getting upset towards the end... And something possessed me to start looking to see if I could find an alternate way to contact Diego. I searched his name, his email, and his IM names on Google... Finally found a gaming site profile which linked to a LJ account. I went, "Hmm, never seen this before." So I clicked on it... Kind of expecting it to be a place for him to post his stories or something. Oh, there was a story to be had there alright... Just not the kind I was thinking.

As I looked through the posts, there were a few times where he mentioned "Michy" or "Michele" and how much he loved her. And here I am, in total shock - these entries are recent; the most recent being May of this year. And, in my disbelief, I'm hoping "Michele" is some sort of pen-name for me, and he just doesn't want to use my real name... For whatever reason.

But then there is someone else commenting on some of his journals, a girl, and she says she loves him. Well... Next logical step... Go to her journal.

Her entries are far more recent, and so I read around, and sure enough, there are some from June/July... Counting down to the days when Diego came to see her. I hoped to God that it was a coincidence, but there was too much for it to be true... Way too much. So I start bawling - and this is, mind you, less than a half hour before I'm scheduled to be at work. To make this shorter: I go to work, trying not to think about it, trying to get work done and such. At this point I don't really feel like eating, but I try to - I'm sick to my stomach.

I look around the girl's journal for a way to contact her... I can't find an email, so I'm really frustrated... But finally I find her phone number. After telling Erin all about it, she encourages me to call her, and so I do. Luckily for me, she was quite the nice girl and we had a conversation about 30 minutes long all about him. She had been going out with him for six years... And she started to suspect something was up when she went to visit him in Italy and things just didn't seem right... This is, of course, when he told me he was going to be in Israel for Christmas. Right, Israel. I'm sure.

Basically, the two of us are very similar - down to our first names, and some of our likes. He picked well, the bastard. So I finish talking to her, still upset and whatever. To be expected. Needless to say, my long-standing relationship with him is very much over... As hard as it is to let go, I don't have much choice.

Today is day four of me knowing, and it's getting easier everyday. I didn't cry myself to sleep last night, even though I kind of felt like I could... He doesn't deserve one more tear of mine. I know this isn't the end of my tears, but it's better than it was before.

I'll miss him... A little. Mostly I'll miss his attention, when he gave it to me, and our RPs... I'll miss feeling attached and being in love... Because nothing compares to that feeling. And I really do believe I was in love, even if it turns out the romance was pretty much one-sided.

I still haven't talked to him since before I found out about Michy... And he doesn't know we know. She's moved on a lot easier than me (she'd be suspecting something like this for a while now), and I'm happy for her. We plan to lull him into a false sense of security should he actually decide to show up again. We're wondering if he won't just 'fall off the face of the Earth', or if he'll actually try to contact us again. I have his Dad's email... I tempted to ask him for his phone number, just so I can call him and ask him when he'll be able to get online again... Again, he doesn't know I know.

We'll get him. He'll either have to be the ultimate coward - that is, never show up again - or a coward that runs away once he realizes he's caught... Or maybe he'll man up and actually give us the truth and answers we deserve... One can hope. If nothing else, I want him to know how I feel, what he's lost, and how I'll move on without him (as I said before; I don't need him, I just want him) - I'll go on to kick ass and take names, even without his help.

=)

2007-10-22T21:33:00.001-04:00

All I have to say right now, is that I hope he knows what he lost. I hope he realizes what he's going to be missing now that I'm gone.

Bastard.

2007-09-20T08:46:00.000-04:00

So... Sitting downstairs at breakfast this morning, I kind of realized that maybe I should blog about the beauty of this place sometime. It is quite extraordinary.

Not so sure now is that time.

2007-09-13T13:56:00.000-04:00

Annnnnnd again I post. Totally sporadic, aren't I?

This is actually my 150th post on this blog. How odd.

Anyways... I'm not sure what has possessed me to post here today, I want to. Maybe I'm just wasting time... I have book reading that needs to get done. Like, really done. Soon.

... Feh.

College so far has been interesting. I've made some new friends, and it wasn't as hard as I thought. My roommate, Liza, is great - she's really nice, and she introduced me to some girls she met at orientation, and so we're all friends now. I still miss my friends at home like crazy, though... Love you guys! In addition to those girls (Melissa and Kelsey), I've met one of the girls across the hall, Dianna, who likes to play WoW too. Ross my neighbor also plays, and so does Cliff down the hall. Cliff's roommate Zach is nice, as is Cliff for the record, and they're really awesome guys to hang out with. Brett is nice too, met him through Melissa and Kelsey basically... There's also Aaron down the hall who's nice, though we've only ever hung out at a social event with Austin while he was working the front desk. xD Austin is one of my RMs (the other is Courtney, who's nice, but she just doesn't come down to our end of the hall to talk to anyone), and he's pretty cool too. He's funny, and pretty awesome to hang out with.

Classes are going well and I'll be getting a personal trainer for the gym so that they can show me what to do since I've never used real gym equipment before. I also plan to go to yoga with Liza on Sundays, and maybe another class or two they hold (Kickboxing, step, etc) depending on how much I meet with my trainer and etc. The diet is going well - finding "diet-friendly" foods isn't as much as a problem as I thought it was going to be, but finding consistent times to eat is nearly impossible due to classes and wanting to go out to eat with everyone and such. But, I'm doing well, I think.

I miss my boy. I miss him a lot, actually. He was 'away' for a month or so, so there was very little correspondance - only an email or two. Finally he got to Texas and got a cell phone, so I've been calling him almost every other night. I called him last night and kind of got upset... Looks like he'll be going to Mexico for Christmas, so it's unlikely he'll be coming then. Then again, I tell myself, I've got a little more than a month off for Christmas (Dec. 17-Jan. 23) break, so maybe we'll be able to work something out... Maybe. "It'll be easier now, we'll see more of each other now," he says... But I dunno. I'm worried.

In happier news... It looks like I'll be applying for an internship in Florida (Sanibel Island) for a rehabilitation facility in hopes of gaining some upper-division college credits. Maybe I can make a trip to Texas before I go back then...=)

It's worth entertaining the thought, at the very least.

2007-06-21T11:24:00.001-04:00

Whooo! I am DONE with physics. Oh, thank God. THANK GOD. And high school. I'm done with high school. I will be a graduate in less than eight hours. Holy shit. Mixed feelings like whoa. I'll have more to say on that when I get back later tonight.

2007-06-13T18:49:00.000-04:00

So... I feel like, now that a large chapter of my life is coming to a close, I should start writing here again. I've also been meaning to do so for a while... I like writing down my thoughts, actually, it's a good way to express feelings. So, yes... I believe I'll start blogging again. Perhaps inconsistently, but I'll try. Especially through college, if only because I know that I won't talk to certain people as much, and it's a good way for them to learn about what's going on with me.

So... Today was my last day of high school classes. And, oddly enough, I don't find myself crying like I thought I would. I feel like maybe I should cry, but I can't. I'm sad, yes, but it's not a teary sad - I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I also feel a bit peeved at the fact that I am not in any of the photos (or the video, for that matter) of today... But, I guess I just had bad timing. The fact that I had to sit away from my best friend again today, similarly to Gala, made me a bit peeved too. I feel like... Well, I don't know. I'm going to miss her the most out of everyone, and I'm not afraid to say it, because it's true. She's been my best friend since I came here, and I just kind of wish I could have had that time with her on our last days. I mean, yeah, there's graduation and parties and a few summer days here and there where we might be able to hang out, but she's going to get ready to go off to Princeton, and we're both getting ready to go to college, how much time can I really expect there to be?

In either case, I'd like to blame this on one person (and no, it's not her boyfriend), but I'm not sure I'm justified. But I'd like to. Oh well, I guess. Oh well. Kinda good summary of high school, huh? "Oh well."

As far as the last day of high school goes... It wasn't anything exciting. Slept in late, went to school for English "class" and then the Chinese buffet with everybody... Sorta (see above). Then I came home and slept. Yay me. After this entry I'll be playing WoW for a bit, probably, to keep off the boredom. At least for now. Maybe a movie or something later. Who knows.

I need to change this layout, I think. Hmm.

Well... I can't think of much else right now, so. Oh well, as it goes.

2006-07-22T12:19:00.000-04:00

So, I've got my glasses. They're purple and kind of awesome, and not so bad to wear.
Though it is hard getting used to putting them on when I get up, as I have to wear them all the time basically, and getting used to them resting on my nose.
Meh, whatever.

We're getting ready to leave for our camping trip today... And it's raining.
Not so fun. Camping in the rain is really not cool in general terms, becuase then it's muddy and just nasty.

I'll be gone for the week, back on either Saturday or Sunday. Either way, no one will miss me. xD See ya later. :3

2006-07-12T01:24:00.000-04:00

Sooo...
Shannon is getting glasses. Should be a good time.
I'm also going to be playing WoW, at least for a few months as I recently... Came into some money.
Otherwise, nothing interesting.

OH. WAIT. How the *hell* could I forget?
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was AMAZING. I freaking LOVED it. I may be a bit biased, as I love both JD and OB, but still.
You should go see it if you liked the first, and I can't wait for the third!
May 25th, 2007. I'm waiting!
And also waiting for two to come out on DVD.

2006-07-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

This and this are two things y'all need to do. >>;
kthxbai.

2006-06-13T17:40:00.000-04:00

I'm... Done.
Done.
With Graseck.
With Pre-calculus.
With math... For a few months anyways.

DOOOOOOONNNNEEEEE~!

2006-06-12T20:01:00.000-04:00

You know... I may have said this before ( and am thereby getting repetitive), but oh well, too bad, so sad. Deal.

I have a very particular and certain dislike for the Ocean. Some of you may know why.

That is all.

2006-06-04T18:46:00.000-04:00

This shit... Is never... Going... To end... @____@;

2006-05-15T06:21:00.000-04:00

Tonight...

Tonight is going to blow.

Thank you Ms. Moore. Thank you. :D

2006-05-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

You know... I kind of expected to wake up today and have yesterday be a dream. I expected to be going to a hair appointment, getting my nails done, having myself fussed over, and dancing my ass off all night.

But... It wasn't a dream. It's over now; Prom, that is. And... It's kinda sad. Perhaps I'm just being an emo daughter-of-a-bitch, but. Meh. I had a fucking awesome time. Fucking LOVED it. So glad I went. Frank was great, and it wasn't as awkward as I had thought it was going to be.

The limo was great. I've never ridden in a limo before now, and it was just... Awesome. The Marriot was beautiful, and the food was good too. xP Everything was just... So nice. It was so surreal sometimes. I danced most of the night away, and it was just amazing. Sean Douglas won for Prom King, which is FANTASTIC, and I'm so happy for him. Megan Brown won Queen, which is great, because she's a great person; quirky and really friendly.

I guess I'm kinda sad it's over because... For once in my life, I finally felt as beautiful as people were telling me I looked. I finally felt like I was pretty. In a way it seemed fake... 'cause I don't, obviously, dress up like that on a regular basis. I'm just wondering if maybe people finally saw something in me that they'd never seen before? Who knows. I'm also kinda sad because it bring about those thoughts of "oh, shit. I'm a junior in high school, only have one month left, and then I have the summer to think about applying for colleges and the shitload of work I'm going to have to do." Kinda like... Those feelings of growning up. Part of me wants to grow up, and part of me doesn't. I looked around while I was dancing yesterday and saw in the faces of my friends traces of those that were growing up. And I guess I saw it in myself too. It's kinda scary... I remember being in middle school and thinking things couldn't get any better. I remember being eleven years old and thinking I had a lot of homework; not realizing what I had to face when I got to high school (I have a "rough draft" of a four page paper due on Tuesday). Point being, I s'pose, was that I just felt... Great. I just let go all night; I danced like I'd never danced before, and had a fucking awesome time.

I wanna thank Frank for taking me, I had a great time with him. I also wanna thank my parents for letting me go, spending all that money on this one night for me, and being there to support me. Thanks to the people that I hung out with all night; you guys were amazing and I love you all - you made my night, and I have memories that I hope I won't ever forget. And finally, thanks to Kristen's Mom for driving me home. :P

(( Sorry, I thought I was going to get yelled at for being too sappy; had to lighten it up a bit. xP ))

2006-05-13T08:40:00.000-04:00

Today...

Today is Prom.

Today.
Is.
Prom.
Shit?

2006-04-09T19:48:00.000-04:00

Holy CRAP.

I cannot wait until vacation.
For the love of anything Holy, may it come swiftly... @____@

2006-04-06T21:07:00.000-04:00

So. Math homework.

I have some sitting here that I've been telling myself to get to for the past, oh...

Hour and half now?

Yeah, it's still sitting there. I really don't want to do it. It's so fucking boring, and just confuses me, or I feel like it's a waste of time. Not to mention I'm sleepy, and don't feel like concentrating.

This week has been... Long, and tiring, and in general sort of blah. Not even for any reason in particular... Just... Blah.

I think this quarter, third quarter, might be a bad quarter for my grades. I honestly don't know what the hell happened, but... Whatever. I don't know.

And I feel stupid now that I didn't apply to National Honors Society, as I should have, but... I dunno. I don't think I would have gotten in, anyways.

Tomorrow is Friday, tomorrow is Friday...

2006-04-03T06:19:00.000-04:00

Fucking hell, it's Monday.

I don't want it to be Monday.

Where the hell did my weekend go?

2006-03-31T23:13:00.000-05:00

Hah.
I have found two more bodies for our prom limo, and they are ALIVE, no less. xD
Kristen and Johnny. Wo0t.

2006-03-31T19:55:00.000-05:00

All in all, I should probably blog more. Meh.

So... A varitable amount of things going on, I s'pose.

Let's start with today. Today was a BEAUTIFUL day. I ate lunch outside for the first time since the beginning of school, and it was AMAZING. Oh GOD, luff. :3

Today in general was pretty nice as there wasn't very much drama, except for that one person that is just a drama-magnent. Hmmm.

Oh, and Erin has left for her UWC interview today as well. Which is, well... Sad in some respects. I love her like mad, and she's basically my best friend. So, I want the best for her; I want her to go and do what she wants to do, and have a fucking blast doing it. And at the same time, she's my best friend... And next year I'm going to be a senior; I'm going to be GRADUATING from high school. I want her there; I want her to graduate with me. It's a tough call, but if she'll be happy at UWC, then she should go. I'll miss her, but I know that she will keep in touch as best as she can. ::sign::

Hmmm... What else, what else...

Oh, prom, right. I got my prom dress. Yay. =) It's black with a lilac ribbon at the top, and then a slit down the side which reveals the same colored purple fabric, and it ties. It has a flowery design across the top and down the edge of the slit in the side. It's very nice. =)

Limo things are being a pain in the respect that Natalie probably isn't going with us, so we have to find another couple (or just two other solo people) or everyone has to pay ninety instead of seventy per person, which kinda stinks. Ugh. Kristen might be going with us, and a date if she finds one. So I dunno.

Hrm. Oh, right. We got bagels and stuff from my English teacher this morning because of Allie Tepper winning the Poetry contest. It was a good time. =)

It's the weekend and that's nice, because I can go to bed when I damn well feel like it, and I can get up when I want. Nice.

2006-03-24T21:25:00.000-05:00

Sooo... Prom.
Yeah. Prom. Ugh.

I just went prom dress shopping with Erin and her mother (xD).
And, man. It wasn't incrediably painful, amazingly enough.
It's weird to think that I'm actually going; for a while I was certain that I wasn't going to go, and yeah... Blah. But, I am going, and I'm going with the AMAZING Frank. xD Much love for the Frank for saying yes to taking me; I don't think anyone else would have. xD

Anyways... Prom dress shopping was... And experience, to say the least. Tried on like... 15 bajillion different dresses. Well, alright. Wasn't quite that many. But it was at least fifteen. Found two that I really like.

One is black and white; very classic looking. I like classic black and white, honestly. It was a nice dress, and it's one of the ones that I'm considering this moment.

The other is like... irredescent purple, and is kind of fitted at the top. It's a halter-top like thingy, and it's got some bead work on it. It's pretty unique, and people (Erin, her Mom, and the dressing lady) seemed to like that one the best. I think I might have, too. To fit into it a bit better, though, I need to lose a few pounds. Ugh. Like... I fit into it nicely now, but to fit into it and be comfortable I need to loose a few more pounds.

So, therefore, no more potatos or other such carb-filled nonsense foods, no soda or really highly-sugary juice. Err... Yeah. I have to start exercising a bit more and such. Mrrrr.

Tomorrow I have to try to drag my Mom to David's Bridal to see the dresses, and maybe bring me to a few other places to check out other various dress selections.

So. Yeah. Wo0t for all this prom-related-amazingness.
Ah, the teenaged life. xD

2006-03-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

Erf.
I don't update this thing enough.
Oh well. Rawr.

So... This weekend has been moderately boring. Though I almost died on Friday. From shock.

Interims came out on Friday, and my Mom goes "What is up with you?" and I'm like "eh?".
Apparently I'm getting a fucking "D" in English. How the *hell* does that work? If it's true (which I honestly don't think it is), she could have fucking told me. I'm so mad at Ms. Moore right now you have no idea.

And I guess I'm getting a "C" in Spanish? Uh, no? 'cause I checked my grade on Wednesday after I gave my presentation and I thought it said I had a 91%. I'm fucking pissed off.

Saturday was normal... I did go out with Sarah (haven't seen her in a while). We walked up to Wendy's 'cause she was hungry (no that that's new xD).

Today was relatively boring as well. Volunteered like normal, and had to read a whole chapter in my history book for an open note quiz tomorrow 'cause I did the wrong reading last class. Good times.

Well, it's time for me to SLEEP.
YES.

Oh, and Friday = St. Patrick's day. Don't forget your green!

2006-02-12T12:14:00.000-05:00

Soooo... Life.

Haha... What is that? I surely don't have one. Nope, don't have one.

Every Sunday this happens. I realize how much the week ahead is going to suck, and I feel like crap the rest of the day. xP

I should start my homework... And I will, once I'm done writing my entry here. 'course, I said that about two hours ago, too, but... ::cough::

I can't wait for next week to be over... Then I have vacation, and I can finally just relax and not have to worry too much about "OMFG There's that thing due tomrrow that I haven't done! OHNOES!".

I can't belive the school year is almost over. I mean, we've only got like four months until the end... It's a bit crazy. Not looking forward to regents or my AP English thing, though, let me tell you. Those will be murder on my soul. And my sleep schedule. Then again, what isn't murder on my sleep schedule these days?

I slept over 10 hours from Friday to Saturday, and damn did it feel good. XD I didn't sleep quite as much last night, but I slept more in that one night than I have in weeks. XP

Fwah... Right... Homework. I don't procrastinate, what are you *talking* about?

2006-01-23T21:07:00.000-05:00

So today in general kind of sucked, but I expected that from the beginning of Sunday for whatever reason.

English class this morning was alright I guess, besides the fact that I couldn't really concentrate. Oh, and Ms. Moore. But we'll just pretend that isn't part of my bad day.

Then I had psych, where I thought I was going to get off easy, because Tasha was supposed to bring in her stuff for our project all done, but she didn't, so we had to stay in the room for a little while to do it. Not too big of a deal, I guess, but I 'unno. And I also had to finish my history reading for class during that block, which I did, despite Max's interruptions about his hot cocoa, and bringing Richard with him in doing so. XP

Then history class. I guess it wasn't too bad. Except for the cramps. Oh GOD. I didn't talk about that did I? At first I thought it was that time of the month, but it wasn't. I was just having really, really bad stomach cramps. I mean really bad. Ugh. They were the worst during history. So bad, that I had to leave the room because I couldn't sit still and watch the stupid movie. Which I almost fell asleep during, btw. Max did fall asleep during it. xD

Then I had to record my audition for band. Ugh, I did reall bad like I had expected. Oh well, I guess. My own fault.

The rest of that mod was spent with Tina and a few others in the library, where after Tina walked me to science, telling me a story about something. :ninja: Yeah.

Chem was alright, kinda forgot about the quiz, but that's okay. I did fine, I think. Not to mention that if we didn't finish, she's going to let us finish when we come back from our little break.

Band was... Well, band. Adam began calling me Shanequa (pronounce Sha-Knee-Qua) for watever reason again, as well as telling Thomas to call me that or Trombone Girl. ::rolls her eyes:: Anyways.

Then, I fell asleep on the bus. xD Oh well. I was damned tired. Couldn't help it.

When I got home I ate a little something and did some stuff. I also made another layout for a Gaia profile for someone. It took almost four hours, but... xD I liked it, the person I gave it to did too.

And now, not even a full day into my 'vacation', and I'm already bored.

Good times, good times.